Posted by Charlie S (206.159.160.171) on June 20, 2001 at 21:36:02:
This is kinda long, but hilarious!
>
>
>
> Conan O'Brien's Commencement Speech to the Harvard Class of 2000:
>
>
> > > >I'd like to thank the Class Marshals for inviting me
> here today. The
> > last
> > > >time I was invited to Harvard it cost me $110,000, so
> you'll forgive me
> >
> > >if
> > > >I'm a bit suspicious. I'd like to announce up front
> that I have one
> > goal
> > > >this afternoon: to be half as funny as tomorrow's
> Commencement Speaker,
> > > >Moral Philosopher and Economist, Amartya Sen. Must get
> more laughs than
> > > >seminal wage/price theoretician.
> > > >
> > > >Students of the Harvard Class of 2000, fifteen years
> ago I sat where
> > you
> > > >sit
> > > >now and I thought exactly what you are now thinking:
> What's going to
> > >happen
> > > >to me? Will I find my place in the world? Am I really
> graduating a
> > >virgin?
> > > >I
> > > >still have 24 hours and my roommate's Mom is hot. I
> swear she was
> > >checking
> > > >me out. Being here today is very special for me. I miss
> this place. I
> > > >especially miss Harvard Square - it's so unique. No
> where else in the
> > >world
> > > >will you find a man with a turban wearing a Red Sox
> jacket and working
> > in
> > >a
> > > >lesbian bookstore. Hey, I'm just glad my dad's working.
> > > >
> > > >It's particularly sweet for me to be here today because
> when I
> > graduated,
> > >I
> > > >wanted very badly to be a Class Day Speaker.
> Unfortunately, my speech
> > was
> > > >rejected. So, if you'll indulge me, I'd like to read a
> portion of that
> > > >speech from fifteen years ago: "Fellow students, as we
> sit here today
> > > >listening to that classic Ah-ha tune which will
> definitely stand the
> > test
> > > >of
> > > >time, I would like to make several predictions about
> what the future
> > will
> > > >hold: "I believe that one day a simple Governor from a
> small Southern
> > >state
> > > >will rise to the highest office in the land. He will
> lack political
> > >skill,
> > > >but will lead on the sheer strength of his moral
> authority." "I believe
> > > >that
> > > >Justice will prevail and, one day, the Berlin Wall will
> crumble,
> > uniting
> > > >East and West Berlin forever under Communist rule." "I
> believe that one
> > > >day,
> > > >a high speed network of interconnected computers will
> spring up
> > >world-wide,
> > > >so enriching people that they will lose their interest
> in idle chit
> > chat
> > > >and
> > > >pornography." "And finally, I believe that one day I
> will have a
> > >television
> > > >show on a major network, seen by millions of people a
> night, which I
> > will
> > > >use to re-enact crimes and help catch at-large
> criminals." And then
> > >there's
> > > >some stuff about the death of Wall Street which I don't
> think we need
> > to
> > > >get
> > > >into....
> > > >
> > > >The point is that, although you see me as a celebrity,
> a member of the
> > > >cultural elite, a kind of demigod, I was actually a
> student here once
> > >much
> > > >like you. I came here in the fall of 1981 and lived in
> Holworthy. I
> > was,
> > > >without exaggeration, the ugliest picture in the
> Freshman Face book.
> > When
> > > >Harvard asked me for a picture the previous summer, I
> thought it was
> > just
> > > >for their records, so I literally jogged in the August
> heat to a
> > passport
> > > >photo office and sat for a morgue photo. To make
> matters worse, when
> > the
> > > >Face Book came out they put my picture next to
> Catherine Oxenberg, a
> > > >stunning blonde actress who was accepted to the class
> of '85 but
> > decided
> > >to
> > > >defer admission so she could join the cast of
> "Dynasty." My photo would
> > > >have
> > > >looked bad on any page, but next to Catherine Oxenberg,
> I looked like a
> > > >mackerel that had been in a car accident. You see, in
> those days I was
> > >six
> > > >feet four inches tall and I weighed 150 pounds.
> Recently, I had some
> > > >structural engineers run those numbers into a computer
> model and,
> > >according
> > > >to the computer, I collapsed in 1987, killing hundreds
> in Taiwan.
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >
> >-----------------------------------------------------------
> --------------
> > --
> > >-----
> > > >
> > > >After freshman year I moved to Mather House. Mather
> House,
> > incidentally,
> > > >was
> > > >designed by the same firm that built Hitler's bunker.
> In fact, if
> > Hitler
> > > >had
> > > >conducted the war from Mather House, he'd have shot
> himself a year
> > >earlier.
> > > >1985 seems like a long time ago now. When I had my
> Class Day, you
> > >students
> > > >would have been seven years old. Seven years old. Do
> you know what that
> > > >means? Back then I could have beaten any of you in a
> fight. And I mean
> > >bad.
> > > >It would be no contest. If any one here has a time
> machine, seriously,
> > > >let's
> > > >get it on, I will whip your seven year old butt. When I
> was here, they
> > >sold
> > > >diapers at the Coop that said "Harvard Class of 2000."
> At the time, it
> > >was
> > > >kind of a joke, but now I realize you wore those
> diapers. How
> > >embarrassing
> > > >for you. A lot has happened in fifteen years. When you
> think about it,
> > we
> > > >come from completely different worlds. When I
> graduated, we watched
> > >movies
> > > >starring Tom Cruise and listened to music by Madonna. I
> come from a
> > time
> > > >when we huddled around our TV sets and watched "The
> Cosby Show" on NBC,
> > > >never imagining that there would one day be a show
> called "Cosby" on
> > CBS.
> > > >In
> > > >1985 we drove cars with driver's side airbags, but if
> you told us that
> > >one
> > > >day there'd be passenger side airbags, we'd have burned
> you for
> > >witchcraft.
> > > >
> > > >But of course, I think there is some common ground
> between us. I
> > remember
> > > >well the great uncertainty of this day. Many of you are
> justifiably
> > >nervous
> > > >about leaving the safe, comfortable world of Harvard
> Yard and hurling
> > > >yourself headlong into the cold, harsh world of Harvard
> Grad School, a
> > >plum
> > > >job at your father's firm, or a year abroad with a gold
> Amex card and
> > >then
> > > >a
> > > >plum job in your father's firm. But let me assure you
> that the
> > knowledge
> > > >you've gained here at Harvard is a precious gift that
> will never leave
> > >you.
> > > >Take it from me, your education is yours to keep
> forever. Why, many of
> > >you
> > > >have read the Merchant of Florence, and that will
> inspire you when you
> > > >travel to the island of Spain. Your knowledge of that
> problem they had
> > >with
> > > >those people in Russia, or that guy in South
> America-you know, that
> > > >guy-will
> > > >enrich you for the rest of your life.
> > > >
>