My personal CH saga continues... A little long. Venting... Follow up...

[ Follow Ups ] [ Post Followup ] [ Cluster Headaches Messages ]
NEW cluster headache email group! Click Here to learn more!

Posted by Mike (B) ( on July 10, 2001 at 02:29:15:

In Reply to: Loosing it. Some quick quest's about meds. Please help... posted by Mike (B) on July 09, 2001 at 14:18:14:

Hello all,

My apologies for venting and whining (It's time for my next gieser though I reckon. Getting like old faithfull here :)...

Thank you very much for responding to my questions about meds and request for timely help. It was great that you all took the time to do so.

I guess I'll have to save your suggestions for the neuro guy (If I ever manage to get in there). PCP says I have to get him my records from ten years ago when I was first diagnosed with CH before he'll send me to a neuro. This will be difficult. But perhaps it is possible. Will take time though and I feel like it is all closing in on me... I told him about the ins. expiring and he said at that time I could go to the ER and they would have to send me to a neuro and that maybe I could work something out with one. Sigh.

Tried to explain to him that I was going crazy, freaking out from the pain, could not sleep, could not hardly work. I even had a pretty good CH in his office (Head throbbing, sinuses and eyes running, rocking, the whole bit. Could not help it anyway :). I told him that I had asked some people that had CH's about effective medications that would help and tried to relay some of the info (from this site)to him. I asked for Verapamil, o2, emergency neuro referral, toradol (or was it stadol that I used to take?) anything except for more pain pills. He just kind of shook his head, frowned and nodded, talked a little about how there are no good answers to CH and then (This made me soo mad):

- He said that he did not want to be a 'source' for narcotics for me... (Man, I tell you. I must have stated to him at least five times that I did not want any more pain meds (I know I don't (yet) take meds the way some of you have to but I am soo tired of them, esp. since they really don't help. It seems so pointless), that I wanted some help in aborting the attacks so I can try to survive (etc). He just kept saying it was outside his field of expertise (Excuse the expression but NO SHIT! Very exasperating) and would not listen to me really. I never asked him for the damn pain meds to begin with (I have seen him probably three or four times (twice for the CH's)) I just wanted help. I have expressly asked him to find something that is not a narcotic in the past. Or at least is directed at my headaches instead of a general kind of thing. I just don't know.

He ended the visit by prescribing Percosets for pain. Sigh. I guess he is trying to help in his own way. I just wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him. Can't he just give me a referral to a neuro?!? Doesn't he realize that I am about to lose everything in my life (again) because of these goddamn headaches?!? Have not filled them yet because though I do not want to take them, I know that as soon as the CH's reach a certain point I will take about damn anything in the hopes that it will help, even a little. (I feel stupid for doing this but in the last two weeks or so I have taken a whole bottle of Extra Strength Tylenols, probably fifty or sixty Loritabs, and about thirty of the Caffiene/APAP/Butalbital pills. Also went to the ER last week or so and they gave me Demoral. Just trying like hell to keep my sanity and my job. I know I should not take this much crap and I hate taking drugs but I am going friggin nuts, you know?!? I guess I've stupidly thought I could 'tough' it out and I have ended up over-medicating, losing one job and just falling apart because of it all. I am really quite tired but I am scared to go to sleep (Sick of the pain). I am also scared to go to work. I don't really know what to do. Take time off work so I don't keep letting everyone see that I cannot cope and maybe I can get some help? Jeopardizing my new job? I feel like such a damn f'ed up individual when I have the attacks in front of co-workers. Like a freak or a lunatic or something. I do not like having my friends and co-workers see me that way. But once I go in, I am stuck in the field all day (Usually) and there is no escaping it. If I don't go in then I am screwed. It's probably not too fun to have to work with me a crazy person anyway, especially since we have been pushing hard to beat a budget on a big job and every minute counts... Am trying soo hard yet I feel like I am holding everyone back... Letting everyone down... I do not like being like this. I had hopes that I could get some help soon...

Anyway, you guys are a help. I am very sorry to be whining and I know that many are probably worse off than me but I really am just hangin on by a thread here. The beast has me scared and he's whipping my ass more and harder every day and every night. I will not stop fighting the bastard but I am so exhausted that I am crying just thinking about what I know is coming when I try to go to sleep... or go to work... or just trying to sit here and program or do nothing or whatever...

Everyone has been very supportive and I have received numerous suggestions about how to cope without drugs. Thanks. Esp. Thanks to Lynn Davidson (Nm?) for emailing me the inspirational info on running again. Thanks to all for all of the great suggestions. Maybe I should like go running with a bag of ice on my head and some in my shorts and shoes and breath rapidly while trying to shoot blood to my hands all while chanting the serenity prayer and carrying a box of Garlic or something! The local crack heads across the tracks would probably think that I am even crazier than they are. LOL! But, hey, if it helps. I think I am willing to try it. I have tried some of them but maybe I'm not doing it right? Ah, hell. I'll get it right I'm sure. :)

I do not mean to poke fun at your suggestions. I am just feeling kind of hopeless at the moment. I am determined to try some of them tonight... When the damn beast comes again... I can feel it already starting up again and I can only try not to take so many pain meds. They are not helping the problem anyway and are just making it that much harder for me to think clearly...

I wish I could afford to just quit my job and go back to the res in Cherokee, NC and ask the elders there for help. I know they would help me. I have been part of that circle in some small way most of my life and I have faith in them.

I apologize for taking up space here venting (And that is enough for now) but it's that or I am just going to lose my mind or something. Thanks for helping me stay (somewhat) together. (You didn't even have to do anything :) I am sorry if it is a little much for all but it seems much better to me than going nuts.

There is really no need to respond. I am just trying to deal with all of this in my own way. And this seems to be it I guess... Talking into the silence of the night... Waiting to fight... Sigh.

I hope that all of you are having a good night and that all is well in your households. All of you are in my prayers. Much of my life I have been involved in the road of helping/healing others and I wish I could help others now but I find myself unable to even help myself. I hope that Tongoshula (God) will help you all for me since he knows I cannot :)

God bless all of you and love,

Michael B

Follow Ups:

Post a Followup




Optional Link URL:
Link Title:
Optional Image URL:

[ Follow Ups ] [ Post Followup ] [ Cluster Headaches Messages ]



Click Here!