Ah. That's where you all are all wrong...

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Posted by Mike B ( on July 21, 2001 at 01:32:06:

In Reply to: re-buke would mean to buke again, wouldn't it. posted by ChuckC on July 20, 2001 at 18:04:55:

It's not the Hypothalamus causing CH pain. Always did think that explanation was kinda flimsy. I mean come on!?

I captured Oliver North the other day. He had a speaking engagement down at the Rotary. I just pulled up as he was leaving and asked him if he wanted in on some of the local action. He took one look at my short cropped hair and beady eyes and, perhaps mistaking me for an x-marine or something, he jumped right in.

I decided to get him really drunk then tie him up and put a long wood screw into his head (on the left side, just behind the eye) and twist on it for awhile. He kept looking at me with those sad puppy dog eyes and begging me to have some patriotism. To just believe it when he said that he could not remember or did not know. He was just a soldier for christ's sake. Following orders.

I wasn't going to give up on a chance like that though so I kept on twisting for awhile and he suddenly cracked. He just gave up like a wuss as soon as the screw hit his optic nerve and I twisted on it for a few seconds. Hell, I was disgusted as I watched him pee his pants. I mean, any ordinary CH'er could have handled it. What's the big deal?

I was disappointed, because I was just playing with him with the wood screw. Also, I had a lot of other questions for him. But, before he passed out in the puddle of his own urine (I had cut him loose as soon as I realized he was a wuss and no real threat), he told me the secret about CH's.

He was pretty incoherent. Said that it goes back to the 40's and little grey men and annual flybys by the mother ship. Something about abductions and transmitting info every year. He was mumbling and crying so bad that it was hard to tell but I am quite sure that he said that the entertainment industry was involved and that Elvis had been taken over and had been there representative here on Earth until he went home. It was really hard to hear him but I think he said that he was coming back as soon as Don King got tired of the job and went home. Then there was something about Newt Gingrich and Dick Army and a whole lot of other people but I just couldn't catch it. Then, then he started to fade on me. I woulda hit him a couple more times, but hey, he had already pissed his pants. Come on.

I did leave the screw in though and when he had revived (I poured a half-bottle of old, butted up beer on his face) I twisted it one more time for good measure and told him he better get something happening on the CH front quick. As I kicked him blindfolded out of my car and he was falling towards the embankment on I-95 near DC, I yelled out that not all other CH'ers would be as nice as I had been if they caught him the next time.

As I drove away, I looked back in the rear view mirror and I could only shake my head as I watched him roll to a stop in the grass.
What a wuss...

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