Posted by Elaine (184.108.40.206) on August 19, 2001 at 02:02:18:
I am tired guys. I can't do this any more. I am a long way from my family so don't call them I am at a motel and when I close my laptop from this post I will be goig to another motel my car is packed.
Clusters are bad, but they are not what causes us to fuss fight and cry and be depressed, it just fucking life. I believe in God, but I also believe in the devil and the devil has been working over time.
I know you guys think I am a strong lady well the last few months life just beat me down. You guys have filled many a lonely nights and days for me. I have laughted and cried here. The man I love I met here. I figure ending things here is good.I am not as scard with you guys with me. Its just I am 48 starting over it hard enough to start over and be health. But to be in remission from cancer knowing it will return is a dumb. I would get out here and get sick again and where would I be. I have thought and thought and ran out of ways. I have never asked for help up till a few months ago, and in doing that I was never confortable. No one oues me anything. I worked all my life and been very pround that I never had to ask for help. Asking for help or the word can't was never words I never spoke before.
Todd I love you and tonight I will sleep thinking about all the wonderful times I had with you. Thank you. Please look after yourself Todd and be happy in your new home. Main thing is be happy and well I love you! Todds a wondrful man and he has a lot to offer if people will listen to him. I would not have made it this ong wthout him. I hope someday you understand.
I hope my kids and all of you will someday understand. I can't help none of you any more.
Take care and I am sorry! Please don't call my family let them sleep tonight cause they won't find me. Please don't post to this. I have already taken my pills. Its to late to turn back and I don't want to. i am going to another motel and I am paying cash and I will be under a new name and my car will not be seen.
I am so sorry!
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