Posted by August (220.127.116.11) on August 19, 2001 at 02:03:03:
I"m sick of fighting and wishing for what i don't have . I'm tired of believing that it's going to change, that life may be normal someday. What is normal though? I used to think it was when you could get up and embrace the day without the concern of how far you are from your o2. You could do what you want , work and not worry about how long until your fired. Go out with friends and not worry about ruining their time. Keep promises that you make to your family, and not look into a little girls eyes and see disapointment. Be able to lay down in your bed and close your eyes without a knott in your stomach, because you know when you open your eyes again it will be to the beginning of a nightmare. Just to sleep....sleep more than 2 or three hours at a time. Normal would be something that used to be....sometime a long time ago...so long ago i can't even remember it anymore.
I don't want to keep looking into the future anymore for this normalcy. I want to accept that now is normal for me. I want to be grateful that even though torture is a part of my life, so is bliss, however brief it may be. This is my normal....because if i'm always looking into the future then i'm not really living right now, and embracing right now. As much as i want to die at the worst of a 10 that i think will never end, and I know will be back again and again, ....to the very depth of my being, i want to live. I want to offer hope, i want to love people with all their faults and quirks, and i want to be able to look in the mirror and see a Warrior and never a Victim.
Please someone remind me of this when i'm feeling beaten again.
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