Posted by Elaine (188.8.131.52) on August 29, 2001 at 01:19:27:
I am not a Nurse or a doctor h. I don't pretend to have any education in this. But I do know about it.
I write a lot of my feelings and things down in word on my computer and I keep a lot of it. It helps sort things out for me at times.
I was reading all the post today and thinking. I know when someone post for help we all want to go help them and we each have our own way of helping and saying things. But guys you got to be very very careful at what you say and do.
Now I am going to post one of my things I wrote about the night I was so depressed. I really don't care how it makes me look or what any of you think about it. Its time you guys see it from someone who knows to damn well, how one wrong statement can push a person just far enough to do something bad.
Something very very bad happen to me, something I have trouble talking about. Only a couple of close friends know. I had a doctor give me valium to calm me. I left home went to a motel and just wanted to relax and get my thoughts together. I had my lap top with me. I talked to a few friends that night. It took one misread message to put me in a mood that just made everything that was inside me let go and say Fuck it! It was a misread message but in my state of mind that night it was easy for me to misread it I guess. I started taking the Valium one at a time. I would have never posted had I not been so messed up. below is something I wrote it tells what its like before durning and after.
What”s its like to want to kill yourself!
At first you feel like the whole world is against you, you have a pity party. You do that for a week or longer. You talk to your friends looking for some hope some reason to go on. Then you get mad cause you can’t find it or you can’t see it. The only thing you feel is pain, emotional pain. Pain that is so real and hurts so bad. It ties your guts up in knots. But you can’t cry your numb. You take the pills one at a time and you think with each pill, will death hurt as much as life, is every thing I believe real. Will God understand, will the kids will your friends? Then the pills start working and you see a lot of good things in your life, you think of them as you close your eyes. Believe it or not it’s peaceful! But yet you lay there all alone and you’re scared. To ashamed to reach out to anyone. You left some note or got so screwed up on the pills you posted, friends family they won’t let you just lay there in peace. They keep calling your cell phone. You just want to sleep, you no longer want to explain anything. But yet that fear that scared feeling is there, you pick up the phone and there is your friend. He/she trying to reach out to you. You just talk and beg them to just let ya sleep. Your friend even tho they are tired stick with you. You throw up and hopefully if your not as stubborn as I am you go to the hospital and get help.
The bad night is over. You join your friends , your family, you make all the apologies, you secretly are mad at the ones that tried to help. It’s easier to be mad at them then it is yourself, maybe it would be to much to admit that right now. Because even tho its another day, thinking is still just as hard as it was that night, your problems are just as big. They are still here. What do you do? Ask someone to think for you. Go get help and go broke trying to pay for it cause that’s not covered under your insurance. You just hold on to what you can and keep going.
What got me to that point I don’t know I am sure I am at fault in some way shape or form but how does anyone stop it. How do you go on in a life that hates you as much as you hate it. What pushes people over the edge ect… I don't know!
Do people who have this feeling think about their family and friends, yes we do, we feel it will stop the pain for them as well as us, that life for them would be happier if we was not here. Do we see or feel at the time that we are doing a shelfish deed no we think we are helping. Putting any more guilt on our shoulders just does not help us. It just pushes us futher and futher down.
Have I always seen sucide this way? no! I never did, not until now. That was only because I was there, and still wondering will I go back there. I never took sucide lite but I myself will be very careful at what I say to someone because I don't know what is going on in their heads.
If I piss any of you off with this post I am not trying to I am just trying to make you see it from my view and I am not sure if this happens to others who have gone through it.
Please its not a game its not about whats right or wrong its about do we care enough to take the time to listen when someone talks. Can they trust any of us with there problems.
maybe this is just me rattling on I don't know but I do know I care about you guys here and I don't want to know any one feels as I have for even one night.
I don't honestly know how to help James or Brad ! I just know I care.
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