For all those who like hot pepper therapy...worth the read

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Posted by Van ( on December 05, 2001 at 23:50:15:


Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy,
and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:"

Chili 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice,
smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers
to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep
this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my face.

Chili 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE
TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call
the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been
snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before
I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chili 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO:
Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild
foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb.
bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef;
could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!

Chili 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried
it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my
lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE
TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like
shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final
entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that
most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled
the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge 3 was unable to report)

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