Posted by DaveH (18.104.22.168) on December 24, 2001 at 02:29:55:
I have three things in my life at this moment that keep me alive. Leesa, the love of my life, My children, John, Dan, and Alee, and my family here. But I'll tell you something. I am sick and tired of the migraines and the clusters, I'm sick of the IT I am trying to get out of my life and I am sick of life. Yes I know it is christmas and everyone is supposed to be happy and joyful..I want o swear right now but I promised I wouldn't but I am sure you can guess what I want to say.
If I could end my life at this very moment and get away from it all without hurting the ones I love and being labled a coward I would. I would end it faster then you could blink your eye. I am one person and only one person. I can only take so much in my life. Dealing with round two of clusters this year and the divorce to a *$^@& that has no brains and is a total failure in all she has done with her life has put me over the edge.
I want to scream and yell. I want to find some thing to tear apart and not even think twice about the distruction I am causing. I JUST NEED TO EXPLODE ON SOMETHING! The boiling point has hit max and I do not want to hurt the ones I love. I have a woman that is giving me back my dreams and LOVES ME and for that I am very thankful and feel very privlaged but in the same turn I can not dump any more on her. She has enough to deal with and that is why I am dumping here.
The Warden is on strike, Dave is going totaly insane and wants to end it all. Yes, that means my life as well, but if I did end my life, I know that I will be labled a coward and a loser, I will Lose my childen to the one person I hate more then life itself and they will pay the price for my cowardness. I will then send the woman I love into the hospital or worse she will end her life and I can not have that.
Yes I know, quit my crying, some of us have clusters more then me and we live with it and keep going, you only have them for 3 months and now you cry because you have them for 6 with only a months break.....YES....I am crying because I have to deal with them for another 3 months and yes I have to deal with the migraines as well on a daily basis and yes I said that nasty word again and that is tough. I live with both demons and I HURT right now.
I have kept my feeling bottled up inside me for far to long. Some know the pain I deal with and now everyone does.
Leesa if you are reading this and have made it this far to you I ask for your forgiveness as I never meant to hurt you in any way shape or form and I know I did. I just know you did not need this dumped in your lap. I needed to yell and had no where else to turn right now. PLEASE FORGIVE ME MY LOVE!
To everyone else. Please know that I am not mad at you and I did not mean this as a personal attack on anyone I just need to vent right now and had no where else to turn.
Do I feel better? NO....I am still very angry and hateful right now. I want to and need to explode and typing out the words is not enough. But again I will suck it up and deal with it like always. A man is not supposed to hurt or show emotion and I am going to pay the price for this. I DO NOT CARE what the price is. I NEED TO YELL, I needed to let some of this go so I had room to bottle up more. Heck I only have to make it to the 29th then I can relax and unwind a little.
I just hope that the hate and pain I feel does not destroy what I am fighting so hard to build. I do not want to lose my children or Leesa....they mean everything to me. As for my family here if I hurt you I am sorry!
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