National Lampoons Week in Headlines

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Posted by Ted ( on January 22, 2002 at 21:55:20:



1. Shoe bomb suspect may have al Qaeda ties; far more treacherous than regular shoelaces

2. Bush chokes on pretzel; no beer left to wash it down following holiday visit from daughters

3. Baby shark born in Omaha zoo without male insemination; shark worshippers herald immaculate conception of the Shark Christ

4. Did you know: The teachings of Islam dictate that the teachings of Islam go against the teachings of Islam

5. Airlines bringing back amenities, landing whole

6. Taliban prisoners transferred to Cuba; analysts expect boom in exploding cigar business

7. Picture of Center of Milky Way reveals a super-massive black hole, not creamy nougat goodness as earlier suspected

8. Ex-Wife of Kirk Kerkorian sues for $320,000 a month in child support payments for 3-year-old daughter; "$100,000 a month in Power Puff Girls' accessories seems high," states billionaire Dad

9. Stung by allegations of plagiarism, historian Stephen Ambrose assures readers "I did not have sex with that woman"

10. 47 million adult Americans have "Obesity Syndrome"; "There's never been a better time to score fat chicks," gloats in member-created chat room

Surly Scott Rubin, Editor-in-Chief, keeps using all but the worst of my headlines. Yet even with his pathological desire to be loved, Scott still passed on some of my submissions. Here are those few headlines that even Scott felt forced to reject, cleverly repackaged as "Bonus" headlines. Enjoy!

1. New drug Modanafil may eliminate the need for sleep altogether; absence of dreams will render Martin Luther King's most famous speech meaningless to future generations

2. "American Taliban" John Walker to face charges of treason; "American Ninja" Michael Dudikoff still free

3. Astronomers say that the universe is a pale green; "but I'm an Autumn!" complains Cosmos

4. African Cave art suggests humans were painting 70,000 years ago; pre-historic drawings focus around a female name Ka-the and her on-again, off-again beau, Ur-win

5. Asteroid large enough to wipe out France narrowly misses Earth; "We need to develop a system to make sure we don't miss a chance like this ever again," says scientist

6. Scientists use new gene-transferring technique to create fluorescent mice; "It's a giant leap forward in 'Teen Rave' technology," says overly-hip researcher sucking on a pacifier

7. "Exposure to sunlight reduces risk of breast cancer," says scientist armed with fistful of Mardi Gras beads

8. National Geographic expert speculates that 5,000-year-old "Iceman" died as human sacrifice, "quite possibly to some savage God of Sorbet"

9. Astronaut, Cosmonaut take spacewalk to install radio antenna; "You'd think we could get a TV, but noooooooooo, there's only room in the budget for radio," sneers astronaut

10. Bush faints after eating pretzel; Gerald Ford smiles broadly just before tumbling headfirst down stairs

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