why did they come back

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Posted by jim ( on January 31, 2002 at 01:21:40:

why did they come back after 11 years? why am i blowing snot out of my left nostril again? why do i have to listen to people who just say it's stress or or city air? why does my face face fall leftward, why can i no longer have a single glass of wine.

the memories return. i rememeber when i couldn't feel my toes from all the ergomar. i remember the calcium channel blocker that made me see things and did not prevent the pain. i remember the iderac, and how it didn't help. i remember the morphine shots and how they did not relieve the pain but made me sleep. i remember wanting to pull my teeth out with pliers, i remember the bruises on my forehead beacuase i could not stop hitting it against the wall. i remember wanting to put a corkscrew in my ear, wanting to slice my forehead open with a knife. i remember spoiled plans and abandoned summer afternoons. i remember being 20 and getting fired because i missed too many days of work.

i also remember what it's like to leave the house without codeine in my pocket. i remember what it's like to be able to have 2 glasses of wine and not live in fear. i remember being able to go to sleep without fear my dreams would morph into hideous torture.

11 years without. i remember everything about with and without, except for how much it hurts. and it hurts too much.

so what works? ergomar, but you can't have more than seven in a week, and i have four clusters a day. alcohol, not a little, but a lot, and who wants to get drunk at six am? thc, sometimes, but not always, and it's not legal and makes you worthless for the day. tylenol #1 and #3, but acetominophem rots your liver, especially when 60mg of codeine doesn't work and you're powerless not to take more, and eventually, it doesn't work at all. oxygen, but who can carry it wherever they go, and if it isn't early on, it doesn't work at all. mdma works, but it takes an hour or more, who wants that every day, and it is far from legal.

i don't get it, but i suppose none of us do.

am i stuck here for a month, or will it be four years like last time? my father had them, no one else in the family suffered. no one else knows, and my father died, the pain of them destroyed his will to live.

more than anything else, i hate being a victim. i do not want this, all i want is the normal life i had for 11 years, free from pain and fear.

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