Non-chronic, or whatever

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Posted by Justin ( on February 02, 2002 at 15:31:59:

I'm pretty sure I have an Idea of the feelings involved around "the beast" and before I had this feeling, I could not understand the real pain involved. It is like my worst fears had come to life, I felt abandoned from God and from everything. I felt as if in a infanite loop of pain and suffering. No one could help me and I could not help myself. Every action I remembered seemed to trigger the last, I heard voices(probably my own thoughts) and thought I was "going crazy." I wanted to sleep to rest my mind, I even wanted to die, escape everything if you would put it. I like life, I didn't understand these feelings, before I thought mental disorders were just a "weakness" in someone, but it is not, it is a desiease. After this happened I wasn't myself, I changed. I understood others with these problems and found that faults can be caused by yourself a lot of the times but this pain wasn't myfault, no one can force this much pain on themselves, I refuse to believe it. After this insodent I went home and tried to sleep, about an hour after sleep I would wake up shakeing and in seizers. Jolts would start in my chest then travel down my legs. I now feared sleep, feared my dorm and feared everything. It seemed that the more I knew about, the more I feared. I always thought as myself as a strong person, but I don't care what anyone says, this would get the strongest person to feel helpless. Someone not going through this would not understand, and this illness is bad cause people wont understand unless they went through it. About a week or two and after many differant drugs, the cold chills and seizers developed into hotflashes and sweat when I would wake up instead. A cold sweat, very disconforting, but at first a better feeling than the shakes. After a few nights the sweats turned more intense and I seemed to forget how much I hated the shivers and was convinced that the sweats were just as bad. Still problems sleeping but was getting more sleep everyday. First week I got about 1-2hours sleep, couldn't eat etc. Next week I got about 4 hours a night with a random night of sometimes about 8 hours a night. The headaches I had the first week were really bad, maybe lack of sleep and good food. I actually at times think their is something in my head toying with me, and the descusion about the devil seems to fit my problems. I wish I could help all of you but it is not in my power. No one should suffer this much, I would like to believe that it is not ment to be, but it does make me understand the suffering of others. I refuse to believe God would be this cruel, that is why blaiming the devil seems to be a good awnser to this problem. No one knows the pain but others that are going through this. Songs tend to help me when I feel "the worst feeling ever", songs like megadeath "Trust" and happy songs such as joy to the world etc. Depends on what is bothering me at the time. I need to always be doing something and when "the worst feeling ever" rears it head, I have no choice but to zone out cause my mind took me somewhere else. After time, I felt better, sleep helps and seroquel or ambien helps too. I've also been on prednisone for two days and have felt better after two days on it. My headaches and anxiety seemed to disapear at about the same time, right after I took prednisone and ambien. Also once I slept good and ate good I felt better. Phanton pains as I like to call them, like to float all over my body, usally asosiated with my headaches. Sometimes in my arms, sometimes in my heal, sometimes in my cheast, sometimes in the back of my neck, back right of my head. My right nosteral has been cloged ever since this started, and my left demple throbs lots of times, then goes away, then comes back to haunt me again. Its like I was over sensitive to pain. I was in wrestling, I felt pain, and suffication. Nothing close to these feelings. I ma better now, well most of the time. Believe sleep has a lot to do with this, its like my brain needs a giant break, like it was overloaded and now it is running a test. You can get through this, complain to others, complaining helps, just make sure it is someone that will listen, someone that is going through this, a good person, therapest, or even God. Once you get through the worst part, maybe try to shape your life into something you can be proud of or a personal acomplishment. I know it is hard, way easier said then done, but their is no easy way out of this, cause it is a disease and you can't think your way out of this one, but once you make it through this you will have something many people can't comprehend. You will understand what true suffering is, and you will be a stronger person and you will always know that even if others do not. Peace.

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