For those who need a smile tonight: National Lampoon Headlines

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Posted by Ted ( on February 05, 2002 at 00:02:10:



1. Ex-Attorney General Reno, 63, collapses; "Fainting spells are not uncommon among men of her age," says Doctor

2. Japanese scientists genetically engineer pigs with spinach genes, as science vastly outpaces man's marketing ability

3. Moderate drinking cuts dementia risk; increases risk of thinking you're really funny when you're actually just talking louder

4. Britney Spears says Prince William stood her up after she arranged a rendezvous by e-mail; "PrinceWilliam4u269" says meeting would have been awkward, as he is actually a 43-year old contractor from West Hempstead, Long Island

5. Explosions at munitions depot rock Lagos; even most Nigerians unable to find city on map

6. "Free Winona" T-shirts latest L.A. statement; followed closely by T-shirts actually stolen by Winona

7. PA police dept. says YMCA promotes witchcraft by reading Harry Potter books to kids; "No, we promote witchcraft by chanting, blood-letting, and mutilating cats," says YMCA spokesman, "Harry Potter books are just for fun"

8. Experts believe kidney disease and genital gangrene killed King Herod; there's no joke, we just wanted to say "genital gangrene"

9. President Bush says between going to war and raising twins he'd choose war; receives thousands of babysitting offers from soldiers who'd rather fuck his daughters than die

10. REPORT: e-mail delivery sometimes unreliable; didn't you get our e-mail about it?

Surly Scott Rubin, Editor-in-Chief, keeps using all but the worst of my headlines. Yet even with his pathological desire to be loved, Scott still passed on some of my submissions. Here are those few headlines that even Scott felt forced to reject, cleverly repackaged as "Bonus" headlines. Enjoy!

1. J. Clifford Baxter death ruled a suicide; Vincent Foster rolls eyes, swaps stories with new friend in afterlife

2. Afghan President Karzai asks for continuing US commitment; US promises to call

3. Yoga may help Asthma patients; "I know I'd feel better if I could suck my own cock," wheezes hopeful patient

4. Governor Bush's daughter accused of trying to obtain Xanax without a prescription; Bush family starting to look more and more like the Kennedy clan

5. Bush asks for $560 million to fund volunteer service; "and this differs from Clinton's AmeriCorps how?" wonders voter

6. One-third of Americans skip dental checkups; "Affinity towards Britain is reaching an all time high," grins gap-toothed Anglophile

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