Posted by leeladylee (184.108.40.206) on February 11, 2002 at 19:43:14:
In Reply to: Beautiful words Leeladylee, I'm sure it'll help a lot of people who are suffering posted by Ann on February 11, 2002 at 18:00:42:
My main point for writing the above was last nite.
As I have posted before, my husband has been doing an 8 or more on the Kip with shadows for weeks not with docs unwilling to treat the pain.
I have had to approach a doc I know at work to write for oxycontin in my name just to buy a few days of the Kip going to a 4-6.
The days where my husband gets to a point where he feels he has to go and swallow all his pills away from the house have begun to get closer and closer together.
He has lost all deep Rem sleep for the last 2-3 weeks now and because of the Prednisone, pain last week and, in spite of the oxy he started two days ago, his coping skills are gone.
He has slept 7 hours in 5 days. They admit people for total exhaustion...movie stars etc.
So, last nite, he got his pills and tells me he's going once again. He finally agreed to go for a drive with me and we went to the lake and listened to the waves etc...him in his own spot and me in another. Then we went for a long drive.
The words above were similar to what I told him in order to "go on."
He keeps asking what is the point of going on. He says he's useless, he can't work, he can't do anything and that I, as his wife, don't deserve this.
These words seemed to get thru to him a bit. I also told him why I love him when he asked. That touched him as well.
He is totally exhausted but trying his best to make it through each second, minute, hour and day.
I do not expect him to take care with my feelings while he goes through this, although he has not once been rude or verbally abusive.
Instead he has tried to comfort me , attend to me and aplogise over and over for his "behavior!"
Tomorrow is the showdown with the family doc. I will be pointing out to him the loss of deep REM and the inhumane pain and suffering. And also that two lives are becoming emotionally and physically exhausted by the lack of pain management.
As I have said, I would rather have a functional addict then a dead husband!!!
Much love to all who listen.
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