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Posted by Jay ( on February 12, 2002 at 19:46:03:

. . . Well I guess sort of. This is my second time around. I'm going on, let's see, seven weeks now, one or two a day or every second day. I am blessed enough not to awake from sleep to them, although the first time I experienced this madness (September-October '99) they would visit me at night as well as through the day. Don't know if I would go as far as saying I'm lucky this time around. Guess I should be thankful though that I am at least blessed with the chance to recuperate at night so that I may last another round during the day. . . and another . . . and another . . .

A general practitioner finally introduced me to this ugly term a year ago - cluster headache. "A what?"

Up til then, I got the usual, "... probably stress-related" shrug. Stress-relate my ass!!! Stress is not the cause of these frickin' headaches, these frickin' headaches are the cause of my stress!!!

'The demon' as you coin him lurks behind my right eye and reeks havic behind my righ ear as well. Yes, I'm still pretty sure they are clusters - I know all too well the droopy eyelid, watery eye, runny nose, hang onto the wall for dear life, will I make it through this one, someone please blugeon my head with a hammer, half an hour to two-hour trip to hell and back.

I hate that this has become a routine that I am familiar with and have to plan around. I hate that I find myself rationalizing every time why stabbing my eye with a knife and the pressure I believe it would relieve, even if only temporarily, would not be good for me in the long run. I hate that just last week I found myself slowly zigzagging across a very busy street, right side of face crooked in hand, half-aware of traffic, half-inviting an accident - any injury or coma that might grant my head stillness/numbness for a few hours, a few days, or permanently (yes, as well as what that implies).

I keep remindng myself that I will have peace again soon, that I am episodic (though I've never been officially diagnosed), that I am entitled to it - I've done the time. But I can't ignore the terrifying possibility that I may be chronic.

Seems sadistic that I should find comfort and relief that there are others out there who are suffering exactly as I am. I am thankful that mine are not regularly of the same intensity or frequency that some of you experience - my heart and strength goes out to you.

I thank you all. After discovering this website last week, your pain and experiences have led me to finally allow myself the sanity and sanctity of surrendering to the beast even if it means being deafened by my own cries.

-- "Uncle, UNCLE!!!" --

Yes, I may give in but I refuse to give up!!

Thanx for being there.

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