Posted by Charlie (206.159.166.43) on December 15, 2001 at 15:36:03:
To: All Concerned
From: Santa Claus
Subject: New Santa
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no
longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia and North and
South Carolina,Tennessee, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209 .
As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks
for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with
your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from
Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.
And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe.
He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen .."
when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt,
on Andretti,on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
have aYosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words
"Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street"and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
the Bandit
IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
patrol cars crashing into each other.
And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
you,the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends
over to put presents under the tree.
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus
Member of North American Fairies and Elves
Union 122