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Topic: Feel like a fraud (Read 611 times) |
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kimmeesue
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Feel like a fraud
« on: Jun 28th, 2005, 4:50pm » |
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Haven't posted for awhile because I'm feeling like I don't belong here.Silly. I know, but feeings are what they are.
It's as if someone switched heads with me. My very predictably unpredictable headaches have suddenly become almost scarily predictable but not so intense. Makes it much easier to manage and there's my problem. I feel guilty that I'm not sufferring enough. Like I have nothing worthwhile to offer since my head isn't agonizing.
Is this some weird form of "survivors guilt"? HAs anyone else felt this way after improving?
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If I wasn't doing this I'd probably be doing something else.
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marlinsfan
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I love this place!
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Re: Feel like a fraud
« Reply #1 on: Jun 28th, 2005, 5:06pm » |
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I've felt guilty since I read so much here and learned I'm "only" episodic, I "only" get up to kip 8 with a very very occasional 9-10, and that I was PF for 3 years before this current cycle.
Lots of people here are much worse off than I am, and sometimes I feel a bit guilty about that. But we each get dealt our hand, and what we make of it is what makes us feel good in the end.
You're getting better, and are honest with yourself. Don't feel guilty. Stick around, and help us newbies get through this battle. The fact that you're getting better gives people like me hope that maybe I'll get better too.
Jose
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nani
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Re: Feel like a fraud
« Reply #2 on: Jun 28th, 2005, 5:15pm » |
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NEVER, EVER FEEL GUILTY ABOUT GETTING A BREAK!!!!
I mean it, those who are suffering are thrilled for you. Rather than have survivor's guilt, just stick around and support those who are still fighting.
I'm really happy for you, kim!  Hope it keeps getting better.
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Others may come and go, but MY power is MINE.
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Grandma_Sweet_Boy
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Re: Feel like a fraud
« Reply #3 on: Jun 28th, 2005, 5:19pm » |
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What Nani and Marlinsfan said - pretty much says it all!
There is no need to feel guilty. Enjoy whatever PF time you can and deal with the pain when you need to. In the meantime, you can still stick around to help the others when they need a boost.
Carol
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kimmeesue
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Re: Feel like a fraud
« Reply #4 on: Jun 28th, 2005, 5:38pm » |
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Thanks so much. I hope I have something to offer so that all these years won't be for naught.
Kim
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If I wasn't doing this I'd probably be doing something else.
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E-Double
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Re: Feel like a fraud
« Reply #5 on: Jun 28th, 2005, 6:13pm » |
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Get over it and enjoy!!!
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I can't believe that I have to bang my
Head against this wall again
But the blows they have just a little more
Space in-between them
Gonna take a breath and try again.
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TxBasslady
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Re: Feel like a fraud
« Reply #6 on: Jun 28th, 2005, 9:47pm » |
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I lurked on this board for a year and half before I posted.
I'm episodic....and when I read the posts here, I was scared folks would laugh at my measily pain....so, I just lurked and dealt with my pain alone. I was amazed at the amount of pain folks here endured. Even before I ever posted, I felt the guilt.
Many times after my first post, I have felt the guilt. I have tried to turn those guilt feelings into feelings of compassion and understanding.
When I met my first clusterhead, I really got an education. After witnessing her get hit twice, I was a basket case. I cried...I felt her pain...I wanted to help...didn't know what to do...I cried some more.
We laugh about that now, but at the time, I was overcome with emotions. Love, compassion, empathy, and yes, guilt. I still cry when I witness one of my brother's or sister's in pain, but I learned that I can suffer....and support. The feelings of guilt have pretty much passed.
There are none here who want us to feel guilty about being PF. With CH, PF is the ultimate goal....(except for a cure).
I understand how you feel.....and it's a good thing that you came back to say what's in your heart.
Best wishes to you....and lots of PF vibes for lots of PF days.
Jean
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How lucky I am... to have known someone who was so hard to say goodbye too.
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www.takemefishin.org
I adopted a Vietnam POW/MIA from El Paso, Texas! 
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don
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Quote:| I feel guilty that I'm not sufferring enough. Like I have nothing worthwhile to offer |
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Are you shittin me? You are offering the most valuable thing a CH suffer could ask for.
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Sean_C
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on Jun 28th, 2005, 9:52pm, don wrote:
Are you shittin me? You are offering the most valuable thing a CH suffer could ask for.
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Exactly 
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don
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If the guilt gets overwhelming hit yourself in the kneecap with a ball peen hammer or something.
Still better than CH.
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kcopelin
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good grief
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Re: Feel like a fraud
« Reply #10 on: Jun 29th, 2005, 12:23am » |
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Fraud=deliberate deception.
Pain free for a night, or a day, or a month or a year is not a BAD THING. Sorry for yelling. It is what we all want-why else would we go through the bizarro meds and alternatives? Cause we're bored?
I am so happy that your getting relief. Please ignore the hitting your self with a ball peen hammer advice-I'm sure that was facetious
Best wishes for continued PFDAN!
Kathy
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Words count, chose carefully.
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seasonalboomer
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If I think hard enough maybe it'll go away.....
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Re: Feel like a fraud
« Reply #11 on: Jun 29th, 2005, 9:20am » |
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Dance in the street, take deep breaths of cool morning air, drink deeply from the wine glass, golly, never, ever feel bad about feeling good. Stay, and laugh and cry with your CH family. Not everyone that stays is getting hit. i'm out of cycle for nearly 3+ months and just hang out -- give support when you are moved by something -- give laughs when you can -- give those who deserve to be given a hard time, a hard time. But, don't feel bad about feeling good.
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seasonal boomer
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KMT
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Re: Feel like a fraud
« Reply #12 on: Jun 29th, 2005, 9:35am » |
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Kim
CONGRATULATIONS
So very happy for you. I hope that it continues.........
Stick around we still need you.................Kim
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aka...................................................... KimY
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kimmeesue
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Re: Feel like a fraud
« Reply #13 on: Jun 30th, 2005, 1:46pm » |
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Nothing like a good hard dose of reality to cure guilt. After posting this I had the worst hit I've experienced in close to a year. I'm convinced it ws being out in 105 degree heat and intense sunlight that did it. Back to the usual shadows as well. I almost wish I wouldn't get reprieves as they set me up for a bad fall.
Thanks all for the encouraging words.
Kim
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If I wasn't doing this I'd probably be doing something else.
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marlinsfan
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Re: Feel like a fraud
« Reply #14 on: Jun 30th, 2005, 2:10pm » |
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Ouch... At least you had some PF time.
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Sandy_C
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Re: Feel like a fraud
« Reply #15 on: Jun 30th, 2005, 4:16pm » |
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Take those PF days and cherish them in your memory. Even though you've gotten nailed again, remember, if you went PF once, you can do it again. The operative word was written above
HOPE
It's the only thing that keeps us all going.
Hang in there.
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Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
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yikes-another-one
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Re: Feel like a fraud
« Reply #16 on: Jun 30th, 2005, 7:40pm » |
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 pain is pain,
and we all need the compassion of others to survive these pains.
I hope you realize you are important,
each one of us...because eventually we
will find a way to deal with this monster,
and it will be up to you to share your
story with the rest of us.
I know doctors aren't sympathetic,
I know most E.R. TV shows won't highlight our cases,
but just knowing you are not alone,
it helps us understand that we can have some hope
and someday, together, we can find help and healing.
(p.s. the beast is listening , everytime you say,
"yada,yada...knock on wood" he hears us and says
"oh yeah, take this and that too...." 
so be careful and enjoy your pain free days....
celebrate life while you can!!!
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Psalm 23 - Goodness and mercy shall follow US all the days of our lives and WE will dwell in the house of LOVE forever.
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sandie99
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Re: Feel like a fraud
« Reply #17 on: Jul 1st, 2005, 1:51pm » |
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on Jun 28th, 2005, 5:15pm, nani wrote:NEVER, EVER FEEL GUILTY ABOUT GETTING A BREAK!!!!
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My words exactly.
Don't feel guilty. Enjoy every moment the beast gives you some sort of relief! I'm PF now myself, but before when chronic ch was torturing me, I was so so happy to hear about my fellows sufferers who had moments of peace from the beast. It gave me hope that I'll get there myself. Now I'm there and I'm still here.
AND YOU WILL BE PF TOO!!!!! I'm sure of it.
PF Vibes,
Sanna/sandie99
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CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
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eyes_afire
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Re: Feel like a fraud
« Reply #18 on: Jul 9th, 2005, 1:24pm » |
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Kimmeesue,
I think I know how you feel. Sorry about your relaspse, hopefully things are going better for you.
Don is right:
on Jun 28th, 2005, 9:52pm, don wrote:
Are you shittin me? You are offering the most valuable thing a CH suffer could ask for.
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Sometimes, there really is hope. My chronicness ended last October (after about 18 months). This April or May I was expecting a real bad beat-down again. So far, it never happened... just an occasional renegade hit and some shadows. What am I doing different? Sunbathing. Does it help? Probably not. 
I don't much understand this CH stuff anymore.
--- Steve
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Still around... in a brand new world now...
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BMoneeTheMoneeMan
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Re: Feel like a fraud
« Reply #19 on: Jul 9th, 2005, 3:21pm » |
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Stay strong. I think it is normal to have those kind of feelings.
You are in a family of sufferers and dont ever feel guilty if, god forbid, you get a good night's sleep. Feel good, feel welcome, we're all family. Family is here through good times and bad.
When i am not being tortured relentlessly by 3 to 5 Kip8s and 9s every night, i dont talk about it. Call me supersticious, but i dont want to jinx myself.
PF wishes and guilt free wishes to you Kimmee. We are all entitled to a little less torture, maybe even a little lube sometimes for the cornhole.
BMonee
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"Fool me once, shame on, shame on you. Fool - can't get fooled again"
Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half the population is stupider than that.
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JenniH
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Re: Feel like a fraud
« Reply #20 on: Aug 22nd, 2005, 10:52pm » |
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Kim,
Thank you so much for posting your comment. I'm new to this board-- only recently dx'd with CH (and so grateful to have an explanation for my misery!)
I don't think my pain has ever gotten above a 7, although I have shadows before and residual pain after. I haven't figured out what my cycle is yet, but it seems to be speeding up over the last year or so-- I do still go a couple of months without a CH.
Most websites I've visited prior to finding this one have only included the stories about horrible, awful pain. I consider it quite a blessing that my pain isn't that severe; it's also good to know that I can find support here, even if I'm not one of the most unfortunate of sufferers.
Thank you for sharing-- the support here is amazing!
-Jenni
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