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Topic: No Cause or Cure? (Read 818 times) |
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Mike_F
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No Cause or Cure?
« on: Aug 25th, 2005, 10:26am » |
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I have been debating whether or not to post this, but I have decided that if I only make one post on this board that this has to be it. btw THANKS for a marvelous site and an awe-inspiring community. 
A lot of things have changed for me since these headaches started 5 weeks ago. I quit drinking alcohol. I quit smoking weed. I lost interest in porn. I lost interest in video games. All of these were things that wasted my time and money and kept me from growing my business past a certain mediocre point. I also lost my quick temper and I find myself caring more about people and what they might be going through. I used to get stinking drunk every other night, often making an ass out of myself in one way or another, and then I would spend the next day hung over and half productive at best. No wonder I was always broke and wondering why my business hadn’t taken off.
Since getting CH, I have become driven to make my business succeed in a way I never felt before. I spend every PF hour improving my website, painting promotional demos, and doing whatever I can to advance my business goals. I’ve taken more responsibility for my financial problems and I am finally taking concrete steps to become debt free.
Oddly enough, at about the same time the CH started, my business started picking up on its own. I was learning how to optimize my website for search engine placement and suddenly I began getting 1-3 calls a day from people who found me on the first page of their Google search. I know for a fact that if I was still living the way I was before being diagnosed with CH, I would never be able to handle the increase. I’d be too drunk half the time!
Last Sunday I had my first extended K10 (about 2 hours straight) and I had no meds. I was staggering about the living room crying and screaming “Why God? Why?” and begging Him to just kill me and get it over with. I woke up at 2:30 this morning with a mild 5 or 6 and I was sitting in front of the AC with a frozen bandana around my head, smoking a cigarette, reflecting on the past week. It occurred to me that in the past 3 days I have gotten more work done, despite the HA’s, than I would have in a month’s time before I got CH.
Then a thought hit me like a ton of bricks: God hasn’t done this TO me, He has done this FOR me. Despite the prospect of intense chronic/ episodic pain, I feel very excited about the future because it looks totally different to me now. It looks bright and full of prospects whereas it used to look uncertain and doomed to failure.
I used to think to myself, “I can’t do this. This business is never going to make it.” I would envision myself homeless or doomed to menial jobs, addicted to drugs and alcohol. But now I know that if I can make it through a K10 for 2 hours with no meds I can do anything. I know how strong I really am. More importantly, I know how strong my faith in God is. It’s that faith that kept me from getting out my .45 Sunday morning and ending that K10.
Ironically, there was a church show on Sunday morning that I began watching as the HA began to fade away. The sermon was about living in faith and not living in fear. It was about envisioning good things happening to you and not wasting time imagining all the bad things that could happen.
Is all of this just one big series of coincidences happening to me in a world in which God does not exist? For me, that is harder to believe than the simple explanation that God is using this to show me what I can really be if I just try to.
CH is rare, affecting only 67 out of 100,000 people (I think I read that somewhere on this site). I’ve been thinking there has to be a reason for this and if someone could just figure out the reason, maybe someone could find a cure. But this morning I think I figured out the reason, for me anyway. I think God has something incredible and special in store for every single Clusterhead and the HA’s are just his way of preparing us for it and keeping us focused on it. Maybe the “cure” is how we deal with the HA’s and how we live our lives with CH, and what we make of ourselves, and what we do with the PF time we have. Maybe this “incurable disease/condition” is really a new lease on life that very few people get.
I hope I haven’t offended anyone with this post. If so I truly apologize, but I had to write these thoughts down for myself and, having done that, I felt driven to post them.
Good bless all of you. You are all in prayers forever. A time is coming when every day will be a pain-free day for all of us. I truly believe it.
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"As for the frozen banana... when in doubt, whip it out!" --- Excerpt from the controversial 'Frozen Banana' debate.
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nani
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #1 on: Aug 25th, 2005, 10:36am » |
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Welcome home, Mike. Sorry you have to be here. I am one of those who consider my CH a blessing, too. Not for the same reasons LOL... I still love internet porn. (just kidding). All we can do is the best we can do, and doing that with CH makes us better people. Keep reading everything you can here. There's a wealth of info and a lot of support. We're all in the same boat, so grab an oar.  pain free wishes, nani
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Jeepgun
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #2 on: Aug 25th, 2005, 10:50am » |
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Mike, that is awesome... I enjoyed reading your journey. My story is similar to yours in many ways. There have been "bad" things that have happened in my life that I have been able to turn to my advantage, and have become stronger, wiser, and more resilient for having been through them.
It's so rarely the things that happen to us in our lives, but what we DO with them. Congratulations on not allowing yourself to play the role of the victim; for picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and getting on with what needs to be done. Very best wishes to you in your current and future endeavors, and I hope that you get some pain-free time, as well.
My best to you,
-Frank
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marlinsfan
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #3 on: Aug 25th, 2005, 11:07am » |
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Welcome, Mike. I too enjoyed your post. I hope it's not the only one you write!
Why aren''t you on any meds? Tell us a bit about your headaches, when do they come, what you do (other than the bandana trick) to handle them.
Quitting drinking is good while in cycle. I get slammed every time I have a drink.
PF wishes.
Jose
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seasonalboomer
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #4 on: Aug 25th, 2005, 11:44am » |
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Mike,
One thing I can agree with you wholeheartedly is that the experience of having clusterheadaches makes one realize how precious the time when you don't have cluster headaches is. And, therefore, you will find many of us who are highly motivated or successful in our endeavors both professionally and personally. And one thing everyone will agree with, clusterheadache people are the smartest fuckers you'll ever run into (that's just sucking up actually, and not really proven).
But, what I choose to think differently about is that I choose to separate my faith from my condition. I can't think that a god would ever do this FOR me. It's a hand we're dealt, and yes, you can become a very strong person through the way you choose to build your strength in dealing with CH, but from where I sit, god didn't do this for me -- shit happened. It may be that Gene guy from Italy, it may be that Dad was standing near a vat of Benzene for too long before I was conceived, I don't know. But, I can't let my survival or ability to cope be based on superstition, that I didn't do one thing enough, or hard enough, or that i was being punished for something. I won't buy it.
You are building a great base to deal with your CH, and faith can be a great tool for many. So can O2, Imitrex, Kudzu, and many other treatments.
Scott
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headbanger45
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #5 on: Aug 25th, 2005, 1:06pm » |
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Mike F,
I read through the words and into your soul. Since the last round of CH's, I have had a new outlook, as well. Creativity more than anything. I'm an author, pianist, and a serious hunter and fisherman. Add those subjects together with CH's and you got some kind of character on your hands. Also from the wild eyed southern state of Louisiana. Being an epesodic CH'er, I spent the fist few rounds with a major attitude about the cards I was dealt (feeling sorry for myself, if you will), but now I can honestly say that I'm a better man for the having to hurdle this obstical and I too enjoy the PF days more than just another day on the ground.
Do get some meds. We live in lucky times to have meds available. No reason to try to moan through a K10 with tears and guts. I gave that up a while back. Keep the faith brother and good luck on the CH's and business ventures.
Headbanger45 - still looking for the left eyeball I lost last night !
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kcopelin
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good grief
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #6 on: Aug 25th, 2005, 2:09pm » |
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MIke,
awesome post-awesome story-awesome God! Thanks for daring to be so transparent about your spirituality-many are not so brave. For me, God is not the cause or cure for my clusters-He is the air I breath and the strength I need. We are more than victors, more than survivors-
Praying you keep your focus, your energy but lose the pain!
kathy
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kcopelin
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #7 on: Aug 25th, 2005, 2:11pm » |
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P.S. I misread your post initially-thought you were using a frozen banana 
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brainfreeze
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #8 on: Aug 25th, 2005, 3:37pm » |
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Awe-inspiring post. Thanks for sharing!!! Please stay on the site, and get some med's. You needn't suffer so much. Trying to lower the pain level is worth it. Good luck on your business and your life. You definitely have something to offer. Take care.
Wishing everyone pain free days & nites.
Susan
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Susan
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Sandy_C
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #9 on: Aug 25th, 2005, 5:15pm » |
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Mike
Welcome to the family. Please don't let this post be your first and last. Your words really got into my heart and soul, as someone else said "inspiring".
The people on this board are a wonderful wealth of knowledge and experience with CH. They are also funny, sincere, and a bit crazy (Hell, a LOT crazy  ). They can be of tremendous help with information, and just plain caring support when you need to vent. Get to know them. I just had the true pleasure of meeting my very first "clusterhead" today, and it was an awesome experience! He shared a lot of information on CH with me, and made me feel that I was not alone in this battle. There are people here from every walk of life and from many countries, all who gather to share information, give support wherever they can, argue, and laugh together.
It's a true family.
Sandy
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E-Double
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #10 on: Aug 25th, 2005, 5:28pm » |
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on Aug 25th, 2005, 2:11pm, kcopelin wrote:| P.S. I misread your post initially-thought you were using a frozen banana |
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Me too. I thought what a great idea!! Seriously the shape could fit around your noggin or neck 
Pleasure to meet you Mike.
There is tons of info here and plenty of support.
CH is definitely a humbling thing not only to us but to those in our lives.
The best advice I could give you is what you have already done....Taken back your life!!!
Best to ya,
Eric
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I can't believe that I have to bang my
Head against this wall again
But the blows they have just a little more
Space in-between them
Gonna take a breath and try again.
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Kris_in_SJ
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #11 on: Aug 25th, 2005, 7:02pm » |
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Two frozen bananas taped together end-to-end would make a perfect bandana! I think I'll try that next cycle.
On a more serious note, Mike - welcome to the family. The light is always on, so please keep posting. Your words cut to my very soul. I guess I'd call you a very excellent addition to the zoo!
PF Wishes and Many Hugs,
Kris
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Salvelinus
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #13 on: Aug 25th, 2005, 8:06pm » |
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Rock on, Mike!
I very much enjoyed reading your post. I've been torn between your view that our condition is a tool with which God carries out his will, and the view that God is there to give me strength to get through this, and to make the lifestyle changes necessary to deal with CH and become closer to Him.. There is a thread here called "Why???" that I started, which deals with some of the same things you discussed. There are some very interesting viewpoints there.
You've done an excellent job of making a very negative situation positive, but I hope you get some relief. Think seriously about getting a good abortive or five, and maybe even some preventatives (though some here think that makes things worse). I'm sure that even if God used CH to help you, He wouldn't want you to endlessly suffer, either.
God bless you (he already has), and welcome. You'll never be alone with this again. Know that you're in my prayers, Mike. Keep up the faith!
Namaste,
--Scott
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Namaste,
--Scott ><>
"When no one else knows how I feel,
You run to me, with outstretched hands,
and you hold me in your arms.
Again."
--Building 429
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Mike_F
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #14 on: Aug 25th, 2005, 9:23pm » |
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on Aug 25th, 2005, 2:11pm, kcopelin wrote:| P.S. I misread your post initially-thought you were using a frozen banana |
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Ok, this is too funny to let go.
One: I had to make a signature out of it.
Two: I have to make a cartoon out of it... I'll post it tomorrow.
Thanks for all the kind words. You are a truly remarkable group of people. I actually wish I had gotten CH intime to attend the Dallas get-together (I live in Houston -- I could have taken the bus!)
I am on meds, I just didn't have them yet when I got that K10. I didn't want to pay the bill for them. The K10 changed my mind on that!
I think my cycle is subsiding. I only took one Maxalt yesterday at 10:00 am and haven't needed one since (well, I almost took one last night, but I rode out the 7-8 and it went away in 45 mins or so) I take 6-9 mg of Melatonin before bed to get a bit of sleep. I am now a big fan of Red Bull, coffee X3, water X3, and ice cold bananas - er bandanas I am wary of O2 because I smoke a lot (more now with these HA's)
I also pray a lot.
Anyway, I felt pretty good today and still do (just some mild shadows) so I think I am going to turn in early and try to outsmart the usual 2AM hit.
Prayers and good vibes to everone,
Nite
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"As for the frozen banana... when in doubt, whip it out!" --- Excerpt from the controversial 'Frozen Banana' debate.
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kcopelin
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #15 on: Aug 25th, 2005, 9:54pm » |
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Just remember that some gangs use bandanas for their "colors"...gues we could be the "banana boyz"
good night mike-PF prayers for you
kathy
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E-Double
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #16 on: Aug 25th, 2005, 9:56pm » |
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Don't worry about the Oxygen and smoking.
Just don't hold your lighter up to the tank while it is on full blast!
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I can't believe that I have to bang my
Head against this wall again
But the blows they have just a little more
Space in-between them
Gonna take a breath and try again.
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nani
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #17 on: Aug 25th, 2005, 10:01pm » |
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Yeah...that's me with the cigarette... that's a lot of tanks behind me.
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Others may come and go, but MY power is MINE.
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Jasmyn
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #18 on: Aug 26th, 2005, 12:16am » |
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Welcome Mike!
Just goes to show that CH causes eyesight problems - banana/bandana but mostly permanent brain damage!
This is the zoo and the Titanic but the safest, funniest and friendliest bunch of monkeys on this life-boat.
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Jazz
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lionsound
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breathe
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #19 on: Aug 26th, 2005, 7:27am » |
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Welcome, Mike!
Thank you for sharing your moving story.
Love your positive attitude!!!
tons of PF's for you!
-lionsound
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BarbaraD
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #20 on: Aug 26th, 2005, 2:53pm » |
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Great post -- and heck I misread it too - I thought you said banana and thought - heck I haven't tried a frozen banana yet and it sounds like a great idea (even put one in the freezer - still think it's a great idea). About the banDana - I usually use a headband - might try that frozen - never thought to put mine in the freezer.
Welcome to crazy Clusterville. You'll find out that NOTHING you post is off limits or thought of as crazy by most of us. We've mostly been there and done that.
My thing is -- What don't kill ya - makes ya stronger.
Good luck to you and glad your business is taking off like it should. Keep the faith.... But I will wish you PF days and nights - just stay off the booze - that way you'll stay with the PF days at least (maybe).
Hugs BD
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What don't kill ya, Makes ya stonger!
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vig
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #21 on: Aug 26th, 2005, 4:48pm » |
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on Aug 25th, 2005, 10:26am, Mike_F wrote: I quit drinking alcohol. I quit smoking weed. I lost interest in porn.
God hasn’t done this TO me, He has done this FOR me. |
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it's called growing up
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| « Last Edit: Sep 7th, 2005, 6:55am by vig » |
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never, Never, NEVER quit. -Winston Churchill
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drivin_blind
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #22 on: Sep 6th, 2005, 12:16pm » |
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O. K....I know it said banana. C.H. affects our vision removing our ability to detect the letter d after n. Someone should commission a government study. Siphon off the extra money to find a cure for C.H. Welcome to the site.
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rextangle
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Welcome Mike! Sorry you have to be here. You've probably noticed the whacky sense of humor that goes on here. It helps us cope with this crap.
Don't pay attention to Nani smoking near tanks... she's nuts!
LMAO ... but she means well!!! (gonna get killed)
Ask questions, vent, laugh, cry... that's what we're here for.
Take care,
Rex
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sandie99
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Re: No Cause or Cure?
« Reply #24 on: Sep 8th, 2005, 12:39am » |
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Hi Mike!
Amazing post!
I admire that you had the courage to let us know your story. Thank you.
And warm, warm welcome to this crazy cluster family! By now you must have noticed the wicked sense of humour which is going on around here... it sure helps me to deal with this beast.
I believe in God strongly. I believe that everything has a purpose. I haven't figured out yet what ch's is in my life. But I live more postive and healthier life than I lived before ch. And this fabulous bunch of people has come to my attention, too. I believe that there's a silver lining in every dark cloud and ch.com is the one which comes with ch.
DO keep on posting here, okay?
Best wishes,
Sanna
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CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
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