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Topic: Scared!!!!!!! (Read 798 times) |
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Julia_Goolia
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Scared!!!!!!!
« on: Feb 15th, 2006, 2:07pm » |
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OK. I consider myself to be very stable mentally, and happy for the most part - but while I'm in the peak of my CH, I get more and more scared that I'll do something to hurt myself. I'm glad that I dont own any guns because sad to say, I think last night I would have used one ... kinda just wanted to feel the barrel against my eyeball ... just to have the option, ya know? Or I've thought about a small knife, might distract from the pain in my head. I feel like a crazy person ... and I'm scared. And no one understands but my fellow sufferers.
Does everyone else experience depression during a cylce? Seems like I will cry at the drop of a hat ... maybe it's just the frustration? I really hope one day that someone figures these things out completely. I think sometimes that all the doctors are lying to us ... and we really just have a tumor pulsating somewhere in there ... waiting to explode. Who knows?
I really want to try O2 and see if that works, but my insurance company is a complete BITCH! So - excedrin migrain is my new tic tac : ) And I'm hearing more and more that vigorous activity at the first sign of a CH makes them go away ... but at 3 am, who wants to jump out of bed and do jumping jacks? All I really feel like doing is digging into my eye socket with something sharp, or having someone stomp on my head ...
Sheesh ... maybe I am crazy ... 
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FramCire
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!
« Reply #1 on: Feb 15th, 2006, 2:11pm » |
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You aren't crazy. Not at all. i get depressed during my cycle and it is very tough on my wife.
YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH. GET THE O2. Even if you have to borrow money from a relative, find a way to get some. Mine cost $20/tank to rent ($6.00 after insurance). Call your insurance company again and tell them that you can get a doctor's note explaining that O2 is needed for you and find a doctor who will write the letter.
I want you to know that this is not abnormal for you to feel, but you must remind yourself better days WILL COME!
Great name by the way.... awesome movie!
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You've overstayed your welcome since the day we met but it doesn't seem to matter to you. No medications are your master, nothing makes you fret, it's a helpless feeling having nothing I can do
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vig
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!
« Reply #2 on: Feb 15th, 2006, 2:51pm » |
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It's common for Depression to accompany CH and not just because life can suck... the CHemicals are similar.
Relax, take some deep breaths, read all you can and...
WELCOME!!!
(there are some good ClusterHeads in Vegas, meet some and talk to them... learn, Learn, LEARN!)
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never, Never, NEVER quit. -Winston Churchill
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Guiseppi
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!
« Reply #3 on: Feb 15th, 2006, 3:53pm » |
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I'm in law enforcement and own guns. I've scared myself too. You're a perfectly normal cluster head. (is there such a thing as normal in our group???) I get depressed when I'm in cycle and find myself tearing up over a sappy song! Have you tried any of the preventatives, lithium, verapamil etc? read up there's ots of options, when you feel like you're gonna cry come on the board, we understand.
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ArCane
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!
« Reply #4 on: Feb 15th, 2006, 4:11pm » |
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I too get depression when in a cycle. You can't do what you want (like drink), you don't get good sleep, everyday your getting tortured, you have to cancal plans with loved ones, and no one understands (even your loved ones) except for fellow sufferers. You are not alone. I too have thought about suicide during a hit. The suicidal thoughts always go away when the hit is done, but I feel guilty and crazy about having em. I chalk it up to having a natural reaction to so much pain. It is ok, so dont feel like a nut (even though we are all a little nutty around here). Welcome to the best support group for CH in the world. Find a good neuro, find meds that work for you, and kill that beast. oh and READ, READ, READ this site. It has tons of info. PF vibes heading your way.
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Richr8
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I have guns too...
« Reply #5 on: Feb 15th, 2006, 4:29pm » |
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...but always give the bullets away in cycle.
Crazy? Na! Seems perfectly normal to me when faced with such agonizing pain over and over again. All that I do to get over these thoughts is to think about my sons and the legacy that would leave them. I'll take the pain anyday over that thought.
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pf wishes,
Rich
...because yesterday is history and you never know what tomorrow will bring.
"Med free"- A few seeds and lots of O2-LG but not great.
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zwibbs/Scott
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!
« Reply #6 on: Feb 15th, 2006, 5:38pm » |
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Hi Julia-----Alot of us suffer depression during a CH Cycle....Just try and be positive about coming out of it---I know that sounds easier than done, but remember when you come down out of the horrible pain you feel like a better person. Be strong babe you can do it !!!
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Gator
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!
« Reply #7 on: Feb 15th, 2006, 5:44pm » |
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Welcome to the asylum. Sorry to hear you are suffering so. Depression is definitely a side effect many people, me included, face with this disorder. You have definitely found the best place on the net for ch sufferers and their families. Stick around here and share your story. There's always someone around to lend an ear or give you a swift kick in the seat as needed. I sent you an e-mail with tons of information in it. I hope it helps.
Mike
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FramCire
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!
« Reply #8 on: Feb 15th, 2006, 9:04pm » |
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on Feb 15th, 2006, 5:44pm, Gator wrote:Welcome to the asylum. Sorry to hear you are suffering so. Depression is definitely a side effect many people, me included, face with this disorder. You have definitely found the best place on the net for ch sufferers and their families. Stick around here and share your story. There's always someone around to lend an ear or give you a swift kick in the seat as needed. I sent you an e-mail with tons of information in it. I hope it helps.
Mike
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If this stuff you sent her is about depression and Ch, I would love a copy. If not, no big deal but I have been thinking of going on an anti-depressant or maybe even Zyprexa (use as abortive too)
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You've overstayed your welcome since the day we met but it doesn't seem to matter to you. No medications are your master, nothing makes you fret, it's a helpless feeling having nothing I can do
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Dragnlance
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!
« Reply #9 on: Feb 15th, 2006, 9:16pm » |
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Hi Julia,
You are not nuts, you are in pain. We all understand this feeling all to well. I do own firearms, but refuse to use them on myself. (homicide not suicide state of mind)
Dont get me wrong, as many many times I have begged my wife to take me out in the alley and shoot me like a crippled horse. No matter how bad it gets, I cannot do it myself. Want to know why?
Because with my luck, I would blow my brains out and two days later a cure for CH will be discovered! 
Dont give in Julia. Dont let the monster beat you. Check out the info on O2 to the left. Welding oxy is the same as medical oxy and not near as expensive!!
Slam a Red Bull when the monster first wakes up
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imnotbub
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!
« Reply #10 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 10:28am » |
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on Feb 15th, 2006, 9:16pm, Dragnlance wrote:| Slam a Red Bull when the monster first wakes up |
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Can I hear an AMEN!
Red Bull rules.
Try to remember one thing. The beast will rest. The pain will end, either for a short time, or long, but everyone and everything you love and cherish will still be there when it does. Focus on the 'after the pain' time.
And, yea, I cry now at stupid shit. Embarasses the hell out of me to be sobbing watching the Ghost Whisperer with the familly. I never used to be that emotional. I just figure, it could be worse. (read my little saying at the bottom)
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rickyshot
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!
« Reply #11 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 2:10pm » |
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Perfectly normal in my case. When in cycle I am extremely depessed, suicidal. I could be on top of the world and when a Ch is coming boom crazy behaviour. I can bank on it. If I wake up depressed for no reason I know a headache is coming. CH and migraines are more than just bad headaches. They are neurologic events and the brain rules the body and behaviour hence those "crazy" feelings. The point is how are you when not in cycle. If you are normal (I use that term loosely, normal is the setting on my dryer in my house hehe) and not suffering depression or suicidal thoughts, I say you don't have a problem with depression. You are in good company. Get you a phone buddy from this group. Frank is mine and really got me through a bad summer. You need the support.
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sandie99
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!
« Reply #12 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 4:14pm » |
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Julia,
warm welcome to ch.com! 
I'm so sorry that you have ch, but I am so glad that you've found your way here. Lots of info & support are available here for you 24/7.
Now, to your post. On my darkest ch hours (I was episodic first and then turned chronic, ch went into remission in last April) I thought about getting a knife and stabbing the very same spot the pain comes...
I never went to kitchen to get that knife, but I, too, kind of liked to have that option. Before I found my way here (not to mention: I didn't have diagnosis nor meds) that thought gave me little relief during hellish pain. Since then all those times I felt that the ch was about to crush me, I came here. The people at this board gave me hope and faith and lots of support.
And they will be there for you when you need to vent, talk, advice, jokes, whatever. Always, so don't be afraid to post what's on your heart.
Best wishes & pain free days,
Sanna
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CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
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Gator
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!defince vicious
« Reply #13 on: Feb 17th, 2006, 2:19am » |
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on Feb 15th, 2006, 9:04pm, FramCire wrote:
If this stuff you sent her is about depression and Ch, I would love a copy. If not, no big deal but I have been thinking of going on an anti-depressant or maybe even Zyprexa (use as abortive too) |
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Sorry I haven't gotten back to this sooner. I've been babysitting my 2 year old grand daughter. You don't get much computer time chasing a 2 year old around.
Anyways, back on topic...Actually, what I sent Julia was kind of a newcomer's welcome letter with lots of links that you have probably already seen by now, but I sent it to you anyways in case you haven't seen some of them.
In addition to all the scientific research studies, it's pretty well established in the many threads here on ch.com from actual clusterheads that depression is a normal part of this disorder. Some people are able to "shake it off" without medication and others require medication and even psychological counseling to help them learn coping skills. I would say if you are feeling depressed, sad, despondant, at your wits ends, etc, seek professional help. It's not a sign of weakness and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Pain and depression are believed by researchers to share some of the same pathways in the brain. They can feed each other and lead to a vicious, ever downward spiraling cycle. They don't call these things Suicide Headaches for nothing.
As far as anti-depressants and CH go; my neurologist explained that anti-depressants are not just for depression. According to him, some antidepressants, and Nortriptyline and Amitrityline in particular, are actually effective in reducing pain in some cases (in addition to their primary anti-depressant function), which is why clusterheads are frequently prescribed them. Here is a link to an older article from an ACHE newsletter entitled, "The Role of Antidepressants in the Treatment of Headache.
http://www.achenet.org/articles/antide1.php
Shazbot! Accidentally hit the enter key before I was ready to send this...
Here are a few links with information and links to resources on recognizing and treating depression.
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/depressd.htm
http://www.depression.com/
Like I said above, If you are suffering from depression, seek professional help. The life you save may be your own.
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Jasmyn
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!
« Reply #14 on: Feb 17th, 2006, 3:49am » |
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Welcome to the nuthouse Julia but it by no means mean that you are not normal here.
Everyone is spot on, this is normal in our situation. Seek help, here and with a doc, like Gator said: "The life you save may be your own."
We are always here for you, the lights are on 24/7 and we are all in the same boat. You'll never have to go through this alone again.
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Jazz 
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Dragnlance
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!
« Reply #15 on: Feb 17th, 2006, 8:31am » |
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Quote:| ...some antidepressants, and Nortriptyline and Amitrityline in particular, are actually effective in reducing pain... |
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A side note on Amitrityline is that it was develcoped in the 50s as a medication to treat siezures....
Sorry, thought it was something worth mentioning...
Dragn
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BarbaraD
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!
« Reply #16 on: Feb 17th, 2006, 8:54am » |
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A little note on the Excedrin -- watch it and don't take it regularly -- it causes rebounds.... trust me on this one. I take three Excedrin ES (same as the Migraine ones) with a cup of black coffee OCCASIONALLY to abort, but if you take it daily - OOPS.... not good. Black coffee alone (if you get to it at about a 3) will sometimes abort a CH.
And you're not crazy. One morning, my thoughts were to crawl to the kitchen where I kept a hammer and get it out of the drawer and hammer my big toe to divert the pain, but I didn't have the energy to get to the kitchen which was on the other end of the house. Anything to stop the pain..... After the headache passed I put the hammer up REAL HIGH so I wouldn't even think about that again....
One thing that was mentioned years ago that might be something to relive.... one of those punching bags that you put sand in that stands in the middle of the floor. It's not as hard as the wall and you can beat the devil out of it without too much damage to yourself. Bet if you talked to your doc just right you could even get a script for it (mine is real nice about things like that).
Fight for the O2. It's wonderful for so many of us. Make sure you get a regulator up to 15 liters per minute and a non rebreathable mask. Even if you have to buy it yourself - it's worth it.
Hugs BD
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FramCire
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!
« Reply #17 on: Feb 17th, 2006, 10:54am » |
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Thanks Gator. Before my cycle began, my therapist and doctor had me on Wellbutrin. However, both of my cycles started within a week or so of starting Wellbutrin, so my doctor took me off of it. I have depression, but I am not suicidal. Even when I have had suicidal thoughts, I knew I wasn't going to do it.
Chasing around a 2 year old is what I do for a living. Although my 2 year old is now 3.5 and my other one is 1.5. In a few months, I'll be chasing a 2 year old again.
Anyway, thank you again for the great info. You rock.
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You've overstayed your welcome since the day we met but it doesn't seem to matter to you. No medications are your master, nothing makes you fret, it's a helpless feeling having nothing I can do
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pfunk
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Julia-
I'm still pretty new here myself but yes I can say I have wished to have a gun from time to time myself. No, I don,t own one thank God. But I think I agree with everyone else here in saying that the depression comes right along with the cycle. You just have to learn to tune it out. Stick around and listen to these guys around here. They know what they're talkin about. These last few months have been pure hell for me. I've been going through alot in my life otuside of just CH. Believe me when I tell you that if I had not found my CH.com family, I would have gone out and found that gun. Here's hoping relief find's you.
Pfunk
P.S. Careful with that Excedrin migraine stuff. It has been known to cause nasty rebound headaches.
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Julia_Goolia
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!
« Reply #19 on: Feb 24th, 2006, 11:27am » |
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Thanks to everyone for all of your support - you all understand when no one else will, and that is enough to keep me feeling 'normal' here : )
But one more question: Exedrine Migraine has been known to cause rebound headache? What is a rebound headache? Is it the same as a cluster? I'm confused ... and this just might explain some shadows I've had daily even after my bout.
Thanks : )
Jules
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ArCane
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!
« Reply #20 on: Feb 24th, 2006, 12:26pm » |
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on Feb 24th, 2006, 11:27am, Julia_Goolia wrote:Thanks to everyone for all of your support - you all understand when no one else will, and that is enough to keep me feeling 'normal' here : )
But one more question: Exedrine Migraine has been known to cause rebound headache? What is a rebound headache? Is it the same as a cluster? I'm confused ... and this just might explain some shadows I've had daily even after my bout.
Thanks : )
Jules |
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Im not really medically knowledgable but a rebound headache is a CH that is caused by ur body "coming down" off of the medication. Rebound headaches can come from many abortitives but seem to happen frequently to people that take over the counter painrelivers. Hope this was some help. Im sure someone will come along that knows the exact mechanism for this. Glad your bout is done. Wishing you many more PF days.
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| « Last Edit: Feb 24th, 2006, 12:28pm by ArCane » |
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E-Double
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!
« Reply #21 on: Feb 24th, 2006, 1:36pm » |
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Rebound headache is actually known as Analgesic Rebound Headache or Medication overuse headache.
It is not a CH.
It essentially feels like a bone crushing, incapacitating, can not move an inch head ache from hell.
It is like the worst migraine you can imagine only triptan will not kill it.
The only thing to get rid of it is to take that analgesic again.
Catch 22.
Good luck!
Eric
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I can't believe that I have to bang my
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But the blows they have just a little more
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ArCane
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!
« Reply #22 on: Feb 24th, 2006, 1:38pm » |
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on Feb 24th, 2006, 1:36pm, E-Double wrote:Rebound headache is actually known as Analgesic Rebound Headache or Medication overuse headache.
It is not a CH.
It essentially feels like a bone crushing, incapacitating, can not move an inch head ache from hell.
It is like the worst migraine you can imagine only triptan will not kill it.
The only thing to get rid of it is to take that analgesic again.
Catch 22.
Good luck!
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Thx for clearing that up Eric. Im an idiot  LMAO.
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gardengal
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!
« Reply #23 on: Feb 24th, 2006, 7:17pm » |
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You are not alone. I am so depressed,and I feel like no body relates(except fellow Cheads). My friends were all very kind for the first month, then nobody wants to hear you bitch any more.I am so sick of them telling me that if I would just stop thinking about them they would go away!!I am so lucky I have a husband to help if I get a CH. I don't know what I would do if I was alone. I cry almost @ night because I have to take a $16 relpax and have almost $3000.00 in doctor bills because of crappy insurance. Get welder oxygen,it is cheaper. Read up on how to adapt it so you can use it. If more people had this I bet there would be a cure. We need a rich famous movie star to have these to bring attention to our cause.
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MJ
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Re: Scared!!!!!!!
« Reply #24 on: Feb 24th, 2006, 10:43pm » |
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Hi Julia
My hardest fight with CH used to be avoiding depression. Then it wasnt.
Kinda like the guy or gal in the wheel chair when they settle in and say Guess this is gonna be life, now we gotta deal with it.
MJ
on Feb 24th, 2006, 1:36pm, E-Double wrote:
Eric your post is dead on except for "It is not a CH"
In my limited knowledge and massive experience it is a rapid reoccurence of CH over and over again.
For me when I was medicating especially with trex my normal hits rebounded to the back to back range of 23 hours a day before I finally realized the cause to be the wearing off of the med.
Once I stopped the suspected meds I returned to normal CH of only 8-12 hits a day.
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