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There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
   
The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
 
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".

With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a Penis".
 



                                   2

Amish Sex

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing
cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm
them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her
boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put
them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and
warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the
buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm
it up'. He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he
said,

'My penis is frozen solid.'

The following day the daughter was driving in the
buggy with her mother again , and she says to her
mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?'

The daughter replies: 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost,
don't they?!

                           
        3
Subject: Carmen

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an?attractive man standing alone.?

She approached him.'My name is Carmen,' she told him.?
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied.  Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself'. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men. What's your name?' she asked.


He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf

                                
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One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!'

'Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery,' Mike replies. 'There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.  It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points.'
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.  He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.  He pours the sample into the slot and waits.  Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout.

'You have tennis elbow.  Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.  It will improve in two weeks.'
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.  He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.  Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.  He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.

The computer printed the following:-

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet.
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better
Thank you for shopping at Tesco

                                   
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LITTLE BILLY ASKS HIS DAD FOR A TELLY IN HIS ROOM. DAD RELUCTANTLY AGREES.
NEXT DAY BILLY COMES DOWNSTAIRS AND ASKS, 'DAD, WHAT'S LOVE JUICE?'
DAD LOOKS HORRIFIED AND TELLS BILLY ALL ABOUT SEX.
BILLY JUST SAT THERE WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN IN AMAZEMENT.
DAD SAYS, 'SO WHAT WERE YOU WATCHING?'

BILLY SAYS, ' TENNIS !'

pftuall