deltadarlin
CH.com Alumnus
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I love YaBB 1G - SP1!
Posts: 3823
Downsville LA
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From a source who shall remain annonymous
> Thought y'all should read this in case you're thinking of installing > an electric fence! > We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, > I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. > > To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a > single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got > the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. > I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. > The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the > better the fence works. > > One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp bigwheel > pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. > I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower > around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the > way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. > > Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right > hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind > the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of > an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first > thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my > body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition > firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton > rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one > with the engine. > It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were > fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. > > Science says you cannot poop and pee at the same time.. I beg to > differ. > Not only did I do all at once, but my bowels emptied > 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind > of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back > . > It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so > close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy > turning 8 grand. > > At this point I'm about > 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My > hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go. I grew up > on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had > those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 > volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot > long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp > Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going > to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. > > 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the > lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run > pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in > it. Covered in poop & pee, and with my balls on my chest I think > 'Oh > God please > die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam > idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor > waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. > > So here I am in > the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own > backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not > take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to > writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. > > I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up > laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of > gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two > large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another > long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the > ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure > and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon > waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things. > > 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. > > 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek > (not the left, just the right). > > 3- Poop & pee when mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might > think. > > 4- My left eye will not open. > > 5- My right eye will not close. > > 6- The lawnmower runs like a spotted ape now. Seriously! I think our > little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because > it was better than new after that. > > 7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot > long > > 8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of > the number 4 (still dont understand this?) > > That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I > appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to > make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. > > The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I > can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT > gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to > triple check before I mow.
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