From a source who shall remain annonymous

> Thought y'all should read this in case you're thinking of installing
> an electric fence!
> We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,
> I heard about burglaries increasing  dramatically in the entire city.
>
> To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a
> single wire along the top of the fence.   Actually, I got
> the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.
> I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground.
> The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the
> better the fence works.
>
> One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp bigwheel
> pushmower.  The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.
> I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger.  I pushed the mower
> around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the
> way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
>
> Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right
> hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand.  Keep in mind
> the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of
> an upside down cow on fire on the cover.  Time stood still.  The first
> thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my
> body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition
> firing in the backside of my brain.  Every time that Briggs & Stratton
> rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head.  I was literally at one
> with the engine.
> It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were
> fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
>
> Science says you cannot   poop and pee at the same time..  I beg to
> differ.
> Not only did I do all at once, but my bowels emptied
> 3 different times in less than half of a second.  It was a Matrix kind
> of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
> .
> It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so
> close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy
> turning 8 grand.
>
> At this point I'm about
> 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire.  My
> hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go.  I grew up
> on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had
> those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9
> volts and just kinda tickled.  This I could not let go of.  The 8 foot
> long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp
> Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.  At this  point I'm thinking I'm going
> to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
>
> 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!  Now the
> lawnmower is starting to run rough.  It has settled into a loping run
> pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in
> it.  Covered in poop   &  pee, and with my balls on my chest I think
> 'Oh
> God please
> die... pleeeeze die'.   But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam
> idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor
> waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
>
> So here I am in
> the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own
> backyard, begging God to kill me.   God did not
> take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to
> writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
>
> I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up
> laying on the ground hours later.  The lawnmower was beside me, out of
> gas.  It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.  There were two
> large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another
> long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the
> ground still holding on to it.   I assume I finally had a seizure
> and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.   Upon
> waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
>
> 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
>
> 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
> (not the left, just the right).
>
> 3- Poop  & pee  when mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might
> think.
>
> 4- My left eye will not open.
>
> 5- My right eye will not close.
>
> 6- The lawnmower runs like  a spotted ape now.  Seriously! I think our
> little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because
> it was better than new after that.
>
> 7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
> long
>
> 8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of
> the number 4 (still dont understand this?)
>
> That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.  I
> appreciate the little things more, and  now I always triple check to
> make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
>
> The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
> can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT
> gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to
> triple check before I  mow.

I really needed a good laugh today - thanks for providing!!!!!


Carol

That was bloody funny

Oh my gosh...I was crying I was laughing so hard!  That was great!