Me missus bought a paperback

Down town on Saturday,

I had a peep into her bag;

'Twas “Fifty Shades of Grey."



Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread.



Her left hand held a length of rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down onto the floor,

And then began to strip.



Well fifty years or so ago

I might have had a peek;

But Doris hasn’t weathered well;

She’s eighty four next week.



Watching Doris bump and grind

Could not have been much grimmer.

Things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet

A cuppla minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

That I must dominate her!!



Now if you knew our Doris,

You would see just why I spluttered,

I’d spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I’d uttered.



She stood there nude, just naked like,

Bent forward just a bit ….

I took a pace to brace meself

And stood on her left tit!



Old Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;

My god what had I done?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

“Step on the other one!”



Well readers, I won't tell no more

What happened on that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair

Turned “fifty shades of grey”.