I have been trying to go back and collect as much information about my previous cycles as possible. This included going back and trying to figure out the different screen names I used here on the message boards. (I started here when I was only 16! You can't trust a teenager to keep consistent screen names!) Going back and seeing my words from back then was a surprisingly emotional experience.

Reading posts from the seventeen year old version of me, I was filled with nostalgia. The words seemed so innocent, so fresh to this new element in his life. He was filled with hope and optimism. His words are cute in a way; he knew he would find answers and thought everything had the possibility of being his magic bullet. He had his mother and father by his side and didn't think twice about crying and crying and crying in front of them. He didn't worry that his anger and pain shocked and scared loved ones.

I will turn 30 this year. 14 years with the beast. Soon I will have had these half my life. Still searching for answers, still searching for my "perfect remedy", still in absolute awe and complete bewilderment when a particularly painful attack comes across my head like a wave. Still hoping WE can help the countless children across the planet that have not developed their CH, have not had their first attack, have not come to the realization that this will be a part of their life.

More than nostalgia, I look back with deep sadness. I just wish I could hold 17 year old me. I would tell him that this pain is not without purpose. I would tell him that he will grow from this. I would tell him that he will find more strength and wisdom from these attacks than he will find from anything else in his life.

I would tell him that it is a beautiful gift.

I would tell him that his fight with clusterheadaches is what will give him the strength to persevere when he comes out as a gay man to his family.

I would tell him that his fight with clusterheadaches is what will give him the strength to rise to political power in the face of bigotry and adversity.

I would tell him that his fight with clusterheadaches is what will give him the strength to pick up his best friends' body out of the bathtub after a suicide attempt.

I would tell him his fight with clusterheadaches is what will give him the strength to mend a badly broken heart and attend graduate school at an Ivy League school thousands of miles away from his family and friends.

More than anything, I would tell him that everything is going to be OK.

Chris,

A deeply moving and beautifully written post.

Thank you.

Peter.

Welcome HOME Chris... even when not in cycle, you can by once in a while. Us "homebodies" like to see you younguns ever now and then.

Wishing you PF days and lots of happy sunny days... 

Thank you so much, you guys!

This place has definitely been a home to me, for the past 14 years

Between this board and the Clusterbusters board, I feel like I have an extended CH family. And yes, I will definitely be sticking around and posting more, even though my cycle is gone. (Yay for being PF!!)

Big Virtual Hugs,
Chris