Still alive...............but barely!


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Posted by Bernadette (152.163.206.207) on July 12, 1999 at 23:17:33:

I'm sorry I haven't been able to write sooner but I have been in so much pain it is not even funny. The doctors are putting me through a living hell and I don't know how much more I can deal with this. Well the weekend of the fourth I was in and out of the emergency room trying to get some relief from my pain. Well the first day I went in they gave me 150mg of demerol and that wouldn't break the cycle that night so I had to go back in the next day and get 150mg of morphine and finally that was what broke it. The last Wednesday was the day that I went in to get the spinal tap. Well mentally it took me every ounce of courage that I had to walk into that office to get this procedure done. They stuck me in my spine once, then twice, then a third time just trying to get the spot numb enough to go in and get the fluid. Well after about 8 times of sticking me in my spine deeper and deeper they figured that they were not going to be able to get the fluid. Well I wish that they could have figured that out after about the fourth shot but instead I went through such pain. I couldn't walk for a couple of days after that due to the fact that they went in so deep that I was totally debilitated. Well I didn't go to work today because I was in pain and I also had to go to the doctors to get more test done. I have to go back into the hospital on Monday the 19th so that they can attempt to do the spinal tap again. I don't know how much more of this I can take. They are looking to get enough fluid from my spine to do some testing, they think that I have some kind of infection that may cause blindness or some other type of disorder, I forget the name of it.

All I keep saying to myself is that I don't remember ever hurting anyone in my lifetime so bad that I would have to be punished over and over again. I have always been that person whom helps the poor and unfortunate I'm the one who a person can come and talk to and know that I truly care about what they are talking about. I am that person who really loves everyone and trys to find good in all. I'm the one who really loves with all of her heart, I truly am. So why oh why must I go through this trama.

I also wanted to take this time to thank each and everyone of you for your prayers and e-mails. I will write to each of you individually thanking you myself personally but I just want you all to know that I love you all and I say THANK YOU. I just wish I could take all of my pain and our pain away. I will continue to keep you all in my prayers and I know I will be in yours. God bless you all.

Love,

Bernie


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