Peruvian Gas Postcript (Lance) (Please don't read )

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Posted by Jack Boyd ( on October 02, 1999 at 12:25:49:

I need to update anyone, foolish enough to be interested, in the latest Peruvian Gas developments. As you may recall the only individual who actually purchased my book ( “ It’s a Small Flatulent World, or Peruvian Gas and It’s Effect on Transcontinental Weather Systems and Neurovascular Morbidity Among White Middle Aged Males on the Eastern Seaboard”, Simon & Schuster, 1989 ) was Lance from Southern California

Lance has successfully sued my publisher and I over this issue. Lance and his lawyer argued that if there were health benefits to Peruvian gas, that I had an obligation to make sure that Lance and others like him ( interested in the benefits of fitness but with no interest in perspiring, although Lance does like to wear colorful spandex ) aware of any benefits. The judge ruled that I was liable for not informing Lance and others about the cardiovascular benefits ( sic ) of Peruvian gas in a timely maner. In court my lawyer and I mentioned to the judge that there were no cardiovascular benefits that we knew of regarding Peruvian gas and this might be a misreading of my book on the part of Lance. The Judge ruled that although this may be true it was not germane to the case and all that mattered was Lance’s perception of my book. I have to return to court on December 15 for the judgment. You see Lance is an individual who is very attuned to his rights ( although he has trouble spelling responsibility ) and actually majored in victimization at UCLA. He has never missed an episode of Oprah and has sued his parents on 15 occasions. His latest lawsuit against his parents was successful and a judgement has been made. Apparently Lance regrets the day he was born and sued his parents over bringing him into this world. The Judge in the case, a middle aged white male anxious to prove that he too was a man of the 90s and knew something about victimization, decided that Lance’s parents had indeed not sought his permission before conceiving him. The Judge was aware that this might be setting dangerous precedent but decided that it was time to stand up and be counted and to “fight the power” as he said in his closing remarks. The judgement, it turns out, gives Lance the right to return to the womb, if he so desires. Lance has opted to do just that and his mother, who would do anything for her children, (even Lance), has agreed. Lance’s father, forever a practical man, has withheld his consent until he gets a ruling from the IRS regarding tax deductibility for Lance should he actually return to the womb. The IRS is scheduled to make their decision on December 14th. And therein lies my dilemma.

If Lance does return to the womb will I still be liable? And just as importantly, can we get him back in there before my judgement on the 15th? Members of the Christian far right have agreed to represent Lance while he is in the womb and have already petitioned the court to annul his birth and give him fetal status. If Lance does not return to the womb I know I am in for a big judgment, probably hundred of thousands of dollars. If he is in the womb I think I have a fighting chance of a much smaller judgment. The National Organization for Women ( NOW ) has agreed to represent me should he get back in the womb, although if Lance’s mother decides to continue the suit they will back off. I think the IRS may decide on continuing deductibility.

I have decided that my best chance lies in helping Lance get back to the womb and I have agreed to finance the operation. What do you think, am I doing the right thing? Any advice would be welcome.

PS – If you think this is all a lame, cheap, unfunny attempt at satire you are wrong, it is all true. I swear it.

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