Posted by Nancy (18.104.22.168) on October 09, 1999 at 11:42:03:
Sorry late, had a 10+ night :(
general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for wearing very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread on the top shelf. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The female clerk climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he had surmised he would be.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get 2 loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the 2nd loaf
of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on.
Thinking quickly, he quickly requests his own loaf of raisin bread so that he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male is asking for raisin bread,just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this raisin bread for herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip she yells, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the feeble old man, "but it's startin' to twitch."
1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
9) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
11) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
15) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
16) Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
17) I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
18) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
19) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
20) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
21) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
22) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
23) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
24) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
26) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
27) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
28) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
29) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
30) We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
31) A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
32) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
33) Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
34) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
35) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
36) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
37) Finish Your Beer ~ There Are Sober People In China!
38) Cat ~ The Other White Meat!(sorry Kip)
39) Jesus Loves You ~ Everyone Else Thinks You're a Jerk!
40) SSDM: Same Shit; Different Millennium!
41) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
42) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes!
43) If I Gave A Shit, You'd Be The First Person I'd Give It To!
44) Fish Fear Me; Women Want Me!
45) I Smoke Just To Piss People Off!
46) I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed; What More Do You Want?
Directions on toilet paper.
What's dumber than that?
Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all?
Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.
In England, the policy of socialized medecine has been extended to include "proxy papas." That is, any married woman not having a child in the first five years of marriage must receive the service of a "government man" who will attempt to be the means of her becoming a mother.
The Smiths have no children and the government man is due. Smith leaves for work, He has a hang-dog look as he pecks his wife dutifully at the door.
Smith: I'm off. The government man should be here early.
He leaves and his wife pretties herself, putting on her most seductive dress. But instead of the government man, a door-to-door photographer of baby
pictures knocks on the door.
Mrs. S.: Oh, good morning.
Man: You probably don't know me, but I represent....
Mrs. S.: Oh yes, you don't need to explain. My husband said to expect you.
Man: I make a specialty of babies, especially twins.
Mrs. S.: That's what my husband said. Please sit down.
Man: Then you husband probably told you that.....
Mrs. S.: Oh yes! We both agreed that it is the best thing to do.
Man: In that case, we may as well get started.
Mrs. S.: (Blushing) Just-just where do we start?
Man: Just leave everything to me, madam. I recommend two in the bathtub, one on the couch and a couple on the floor.
Mrs. S.: Bathtub! Floor! No wonder Harry and I never....
Man: Well, my dear lady, even the best of us can't guarantee a good one every time. But, say, out of six, one is bound to be a honey. I usually have my
best luck with shots in the bathtub.
Mrs. S.: Pardon me, but this all seems a bit informal.
Man: No indeed. In my line of work a man can't do his best while in a hurry.
(He opens his album and shows baby pictures to her) Look at this baby.
Took four hours, but isn't she a honey?
Mrs. S.: Yes. A lovely child.
Man: But for a tough assignment, look at this baby. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in Picadilly Circus.
Mrs. S.: My God!
Man: It's not hard when a man knows his job. My work is a pleasure. I've spent long years perfecting my technique. Now take this baby. I did it with one shot in Harrod's window.
Mrs. S.: I can't believe it!
Man: And here's a picture of the prettiest twins in town. They truned out exceptionally well considering that their mother was so, so difficult. But I
knocked off the job in Hyde Park on a snowy afternoon. It took from two until five in the evening. I've never worked in such difficult conditions.
People were crowding around, four and five deep, pushing to get a look.
Mrs. S.: Four and five deep!?!
Man: Yes, and more than three hours! I had two Bobbies helping me. I could have done another before dark, but by that time I had to stop as the squirrels were nibbling at my equipment. If you are ready madam, I'll get my tripod and get to work.
Mrs. S: Tripod?
Man: Yes, I alway use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It is much too heavy for me to hold for any length of time. Mrs. Smith? Mrs. Smith? Good Lord!
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female talking parrots,but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes.
Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed,
"but I have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots.
Immediately, the female parrots say,
"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,"Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
PLEASE READ AND PASS ON TO ALL CONCERNED CITIZENS
Democrats announced today that they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others
Hugs and a smile, Nancy
Have a good wkend!
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