The Party's Over

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Posted by Carl D ( on December 05, 1999 at 06:35:21:

Hello All,
How is everyone? Sorry I haven't read through the posts lately, but I have been both offline and enjoying my "liberty" that has come to an end. I have been taking ERCAF to abort HA's, the first time I have had relief since 2/98. It has worked like magic, but unfortunately, it has come with a price...

I was doing good, until my fingers started "falling asleep" (forgive any typos, usually am anal about such things - could give a piss less now). I knew I had to stop taking it a week or so ago, but when your in pain, you do not rationalize consequences, you just want it to stop NOW. I ultimately had to ask a friend to take it from me for a couple of weeks, as I cannot stop taking it. It is not addictive, but I know it will make the pain stop. When you are in severe pain, you could care less the consequences - just make it stop now!!!

I played my first gig in almost a year friday night. I did an acoustic gig with a friend of mine. We rehearsed a couple of songs beforehand, and one song in particular I could fingerpick all day long was giving me problems - cramping my hand, hurting my fingers, etc. As we did the gig, I continued as my happy-go-lucky self, cutting jokes, playing songs, finding the key of "L" (no such thing, it's a comic ploy with the audience they always fall for), the gig went fairly well, I was hurting throughout and my buddy knew it. We talked for a long time on the way home as I told him of my new meds and how they are affecting me. He freaked. We have done alot of gigs together, and he had never seen me like this. Blew his freakin mind!!! Still having my toes and fingers falling asleep, but have stopped the ERCAF for now. As it is, I am back to square one: had 5 HA's today, and am going on my second night without sleep. All I can say is this indeed perpetually sucks!!!

I am now in-between doctors, as I found out this specialist ( who is a joke) requires $100.00 upfront per visit, and didn't even return my calls in three weeks ( the bill should reflect that I called twelve times. When I talked to her nurse, she said she left a note for the doc and the doc left a note for her. NOTES????? Notes got several fights started in high school, due to misinterpretation (like that hasn't happened here), but is a total lack of communication. I want a freakin doc who communicates with thier staff, not passing notes!! thats pathetic!!!!!!!!!!!

So I am back to square one (BTW, computer keyboards f$#kin suck, I typed this once, hit the wrong button and it disappeared. Couldn't recover it for nothing. Stupid F&^king machines suck rotten granola.)

Just when life was almost back to normal I find myself living in a Stephen King novel : I have something that will help - but for a price!!!!!!!! Am definitely going mental at this point. Just when I get my life back (sort of) I lose it again. Now I have consistent cramping in my fingers and am having a hard time playing guitar. I have been playing for 2/3rds of my life. To lose that would be worse than losing one eyed willie (my music is my life).

Now to vent:

I have met three beautiful girls in the last week who seemed interested in me, but I am in no position to ask anyone out (hey baby, wanna come back to the place I'm staying at with friends and maybe watch me go through agony?) Went to see a friends band the other night, only to have him take me to a secluded, silent area of the club so I could ride out a HA, and then have people ask me if I was 'all right' due to the fact my left eye was f&^ked up the rest of the night. I talked to him about how down I was, and I could tell he was flipped out, I've known this guy since I was ten (he is my brothers best friend). I was in a band with him last year, and he seen firsthand the hell I have to deal with. He was shocked at the fact I am still going through this and even expressed to me that if it were him, he would no longer be among the living. Then he asked my secret as to how I deal with it. My answer? What choice do I have?

Just in a bad mood right now I guess: havent slept for two days, feel like shit, no one to really talk to bout it and I just blew one of the most awesome auditions ever due to a CH, could've got the job - and could've resulted in big time $$$$$$$$. Calling the guy tomorrow to explain the situation, but knowing how things go (having been a 'bandleader' myself) they will probably move on to prospect #2.

Talked to another friend of mine tonight for awhile about the big S. It has left me for awhile, but is now back. As I look upon my life, I feel like a worthless piece of shit - though I know I could've been so much more had it not been for the CH's holding me back. Sometimes I think one day I will be free and the life I should be living will come - with the appropriate labor - in abundant luxury. Then I realize where I am.
That is no joke : November 19, 1992 I had girls screaming for me, people wanting my guitar picks,autographs, pictures with me, everybody wanted a piece of me. 1993 was the first time CH's ravaged my life. Last year, September , I had the chance to tour with a world famous band called ANTHRAX. A friend of mine set it up where I would go on tour with them and at the end of the tour, have the option of joining the band on a permanent basis. CH's prevented me from attempting the gig. Now I am back at square one, and although I am attempting a positive attitude, I am faced with negative results.

I guess I should be thankful for the couple of weeks I had freedom - though I view the lives around me and become insanely jealous at the mundane things most people see as problems. If I was a normal person, well - I still wouldn't be normal , but I would be famous. I would have taken my music to the world!!!!

Now, the trick is to hold on to sanity and stay alive until something else pops up.


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