Posted by Jonathan on October 29, 1998 at 07:09:16:
Hi All,
This is just a note to say, I'm still here, and I guess I have no plans to go anywhere for a while.
It's strange, I am too afraid to die and yet can't go on living with the endless pain. I'm to fragile to fight, and yet I don't stop. I'm not entirely sure what I feel right now, other than numbness and an insecurity for my future. I know I should live for the moments of relief between headaches, I know I should fight for you all and for myself, I know I should take stock of what life I have left for myself and find a way to build on it. I know that you care for me, and that you are hoping that I will find a way out of this. I know all of these things, but I don't know when the pain will end. I don't know when I will find something within me that will make me stand up and beat this thing out of my system. At the moment, all I can see is today, and what little strength I can muster is reserved for working, eating and sleeping. I appreciate your concern and I ask you to not worry about me, I will be okay, I just need to cut myself off and build up my energy levels. For those of you who have sent me mail, I'm sorry for not responding, but I don't feel much like being personal right now… I expect you're all thinking what a self-centred little shit I'm being! I'm truly sorry if that's how I sound. I don't mean to shut you out, I just need space. I had to set your minds at rest by posting this message. I'm here, I just need to sit back and read for a while.