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Posted by sailpappy ( on February 06, 2000 at 03:37:59:

In Reply to: To all: When is your check-out time? posted by Francois on February 05, 2000 at 22:53:59:

I have pondered that very question and even had considered that option seriously about 12 years ago. Even made the VHS tape to the Family and prepared myself, as far as final arrangements go.
At the last moment I began thinking of how sweet my wife smelled when she has on her favorite perfume, How wonderful it felt to be able to comfort my children and squash their fears as they arose, How fantastic it was to witness sunrises and sunsets, to hear really good music,to smell the aromas of all the great foods. How much adulation I got from writing poems and sailing my boat into the vast oceans.
I could go on and on with all the reasons that affected me, but they might not be the same for you. Then I began thinking of the people that had waited on me to have the pain and the affect my doing this unthinkable deed would have on the rest of their lives. I am not now nor will I ever be a quitter, not in any aspect of my life so I decided to look around.
Instead of going to the spot I chose to do myself in, I went to the local Childrens Hospital and walked through the Cancer ward, the ICU and the Burn ward. I met some resistance from the staff but after explaining why I was there they were all too happy to accomidate me.
If you feel so low that you can't deal with our own pain, seek out others and look at the big picture, even though I have averaged 7 attacks a day for the past 31 years, I still find the PFT wonderful and find time to do things to help others. I go on food drives for the Homeless, I tutor students in need, I counsel people with addiction problems and I am now lucky enough to be reliving my Parenthood all over again by raising these two wonderful Grandkids.
If I had done the deed way back then I would have never even seen the grandkid or been able to watch my own children succeed and advance in life through High School, getting their Drivers License,Falling in and out of Love and having children of their own.
No matter how bad the pain gets it will end as sure as it started and in between you have a window of oppertunity to work Miracles in others lives.
Cluster Headaches is one of those invisible Disablities that only a handful of people understand, I'm 6'4" and 210 lbs. I look totally (Bear like) healthy on the outside and it makes it hard for people to understand that they only see me when I'm feeling ok. I have developed the ability to hide my pain from even my own family members by trying not to make moaning noises or allowing them to see me during an attack, All they hear is Old Sailpappy in the shower again.
Given my other health problem, I'm here on borrowed time as it is so I say "Make Him reach down and grab you by the back of the neck and pull you home yelling and kicking for all your worth."
I know that there is an answer out there for you and it may be as close as your key board.
Just by the virtue of you having a computer and belonging to this list you are far more fortunate
than a lot of people, Many are so caught up in just trying to get by from day to day they can't afford the luxury's we sometimes take for granted.
I don't know what therapies you have tried but there is a great list of things, I beleve that the body has an ability to help if not cure it self and going drug free was the answer for my sanity. Most of the drug you take for the CH problem cause some type of mental depression or confusion. Please reconsider you position and try a totally different approach to coping with the pain. We are here to try an help! Sailpappy

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