Posted by FREEk (208.4.19.29) on May 06, 2000 at 17:52:01:
I am shadowing hard. I am spending yet another beautiful day by myself thinking of all the things I would like to do. Thinking of all of the places I would like to go. Thinking of a good friend who called me 'pathetic', but didn't mean it in a bad way. Thinking about the attack I had this morning. Wrote a new song and grew bored with playing my guitar. Wishing I could warp back 3 years to when my life was happening - if but for just a night.
Instead, I'll sit here by myself but not alone. I still have the beast here to remind me that life is for the living.
I remember what life was like before I ever had clusters. I remember being a kid in a gameroom on a Saturday, hanging with my friends, watching bands play - saying 'one day I'll be doing that - but not in this crummy town. I'll do it around the world - for REAL!'
It seems like that naive kid was just scoring four million on the "Galaga" machine just yesterday, and didn't have a clue what 'physically enduring extreme pain' meant. How time flies.
I remember just 3 years ago I had everything in the world going for me. I was sure I would have an album out by now - whether it flopped or soared, the effort would have been made and I would have at least been able to hook up on a small club tour with another small-bones band. I was certain that my friends and I would always be there for each other through the best and worst of times. I thought my 2nd wedding anniversary would be coming up soon. Seems like just yesterday I had it all planned out; life was great. Life was complicated - but the fun of it was working through the complications and witnessing the accomplishment of effort.
Now, I am just sitting here, wondering how long I can go before the next attack hits, contemplating taking a walk and hoping that while I am on a mission nowhere, the rain will begin to pour down. I would love to just walk in the rain, a real good downpour. The smell of it would be so aromatic. The feeling of the rain pouring down my face. I can already imagine the refreshing feeling; almost like a washing. Washing away the memories.
I tell myself tomorrow will be better, but tomorrow never knows what to bring.
Like an old man once said in the glory days of his youth:
"What a drag it is getting old."
Peace,
Carl D