Posted by Carl D (126.96.36.199) on June 18, 2000 at 09:19:02:
I had a couple of good days. I was lsacking off incredibly. Things were looking up. I was feeling a bit better. I was encouraged. I even started playing my guitar a little more, in hopes of actually getting back out into the real world and doing something again.
I am paying hell for it now.
Friday night on through today, I have had a migraine (yes, a freaking migraine). Today the Migraine is not so bad, but the CH for the past two days has been pure living hell. I had one at 1:30 this morning that lasted almost 3 hours - all peaking at 10!!! I was so tempted just to say 'screw this' and hang it up. I couldn't stand one more minute...
I am just frustrated as all get out. Seems like when I start to slack off, then I go even more hardcore. I don't get it. All I know is right now my jaw feels like someone just busted it, my eye is aching, my head is pounding, my teeth hurt - - - - and I have been out of the cluster since around 4:30am. I am shadowing heavy, and feel like I am about to go nuts. Not to mention I have been mega depressed all morning.
I am beginning to think I am manic-depressive (I was diagnosed as having a major depressive disorder), but one minute I am doing good - the next? It is all I can do to keep pushing up my date with fate.
I keep wondering if this will ever end - or if it will, or when.
I was getting some pretty good sleep for awhile. That ended Friday morning. I think I have slept a total of 3 hours since then.
I'm just a freakin basket case right now. I want to get out of here but there is nowhere to go or anyway to get there. I have been stranded here for longer than I care for.
I am starting to feel like I am trapped inside of something I can't break out of. I feel like I am in some type of prison or something even more sinister.
I could go on and on, but why?
P.S. - Yes, I am venting. Yes I am whining.
Yes, I am stressed and depressed.
You don't want to hear it?
No one made you open this post, did they?
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