my daughter

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Posted by Kathi ( on September 16, 2000 at 08:08:24:

One of those experiences that just sends shockwaves through your body. My daughter is 11, almost 12. If any of you have a "tween" or have been around know it's like living with a tempest. One second she's the angelic baby I love and adore...the next minute she's Regan from the Exorcist. There are times I swear she will spit green pea soup at me and start speaking in tongues.
Last night, she had a meltdown. Starting school, her Dad's brain surgery, the divorce, hormones....just sort of all crashed in on her. She threw her homework across the living room, buried her head in a pillow and just cried. She was apparently overtired and hungry and threw herself into a raging headache.
My reaction shamed me more than I could believe. I had zero sympathy...VERY uncharacteristic for me when it comes to this child I idolize. She had that EXACT same look on her face that I see in the mirror during a cluster. And I couldn't handle it.
This is my angel who has spent ten years fetching washcloths and rubbing my head. I can vividly remember her as a toddler, rubbing my hair and saying "It's okay Mommy, I'm here" I remember her crying on the bathroom floor when she was four and I was smashing a shower massage into my head and babbling.
I've done very little right in my life...but my one greatest accomplishment was this incredible human being. I watch her walk out of school, long blonde hair flying and long legs like a colt and sometimes I just cry...I can't believe she's mine. And here she was, holding her head and crying in pain and I had to leave the room and compose myself.
I just don't know how I can ever apologize to her for this. Having children brings out all your own shit...and boy...can it sneak up on you.

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