Help! tying a knot.... just not sure how I intend to use it yet

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Posted by tami ( on February 21, 2001 at 23:40:38:

It's been quite a while since I posted one of these. don't know if that means I'm getting stronger, or just learning to live with the beast. Unfortunately, I'm back at that point tonight where I can't see any use to continue tilting at windmills. Ch has cost me nearly everything i hold dear. This year my husband walked out on me, being unable to deal with my headaches any more (chronic, 4-6 headaches usually registering a 7 or higher, daily for close to 4 years now. I know that seems like a drop in the proverbial bucket to some of you, but I can't find anything that helps. I scour this site religiously looking for new ideas. New doctors will not even talk to me after they see my list, they tell me they have no other ideas or combos of meds for me to try)My job hangs in the balance daily, with doctors, coworkers, bosses, and friends trying to convince me to quit and take disability. I cannot. I know I would be dead inside a month if i did so. Lastly, my children are very distant, so I don't even have their understanding any more. they are teenagers, and mean well, but the reality of the situation, coupled with their hectic schedules make it difficult for them to be of much assistance. I am desperate. I have had my differences of opinion with some of you on this site, but you have never let me down before when I have needed help and encouragement. Especially some of you who are chronic, and can perhaps more closely relate. I really can't see what I have left to care about, or what the point is. All I can see is another night in unspeakable pain, followed by another, forever. I can't do it any more. I try to keep the kids in mind, but I really have come to believe that there is some sort of a cosmic break even point, where I do more harm to them, and others around me, by being here than I would by removing myself from their lives. Anyway, I can feel the next one starting up. I would appreciate any feedback from anyone still out there tonight. Obviously, I'm still giving this some thought, and am trying to resist, but it is difficult, especially when your brain is muddled due to lack of asleep and pain. Thanks for everything,

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