Right there with ya

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Posted by Carl D ( on March 15, 2001 at 00:18:35:

In Reply to: I don't know anymore...and i'm trying so hard posted by August on March 14, 2001 at 18:56:44:

I know it is not much comfort, but you are not alone. I am also going through the sleep deprivation, brutal 10+ attacks (and I thought I was the only one who would pass out during an attack only to be re-awakened all over by the beast), losing the occasional bodily function, and feeling like your brains have been scrambled.
The thing is, you are much stronger than you know. It is almost like when you cannot take anymore, something inside of you kicks into overdrive. I have been banging my head on the ground for days now. No matter how positive I try to remain, I am overwhelmed with this. I even cut my leg during/after(?) an attack the other morning, and woke up on my bathroom floor - unsure of how I even got there. I now fear lying down, as I get hit brutally when I do.

You are not alone. Some of us are right there with ya, battling this same beast. I have been lying to myself - but maybe it is keeping me alive for now. I keep telling myself "This is the last day I have to deal with this", all the while knowing in the back of my head it is not. But it could be, I never know. If I do not stick around for tomorrow, I will not know what it might bring.
Instead of thinking you have "9-11 more days" of this type of attack cycle, tell yourself "this is the last day I have to put up with this." You never know, it just might be.
There is strength in numbers, and you have been a strength to many. Don't give up. Think of it this way: We are in a war, we are on the front lines getting hit with the major ammo. If you back away, some of us will be left to fight alone, and will end up losing the battle. If we stick side by side in this, then one day we can beat this bastard. I believe that. I have to. Otherwise I will back away from that line, as I have been tempted to so many times, and fall on the sword. We need you here. I am gonna be downright selfish and tell you that I need you here. You have given me much inspiration to keep chugging on even when I am out of steam. Remember that thread you threw to me the other day and said "Hold on?" There is room for two on that thread.
Please hang on. Remember, just one more day and it will be over with. Take each day as it comes. If you look through the broadscope of things, Your judgements will be clouded by today. Don't look at tomorrow, just get through today. There are better days we cannot see, because we are looking out of one good eye that isn't watering and rationalizing things with scrambled thoughts. Keep fighting for those better days. You are stronger than you can ever know.

Peace and love,
Carl D

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