I am a bundle of nerves

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Posted by Carl D ( on March 15, 2001 at 16:03:29:

I feel like I have been ran over by a Mack truck, and my freaking head is still stuck under the wheel. I also had not one iota of sleep again last night. I did however blow out my voice screaming into my pillow at 7am this morning. Beautiful. I have to do a gig tomorrow, and am doing some stuff that requires my higher range voice (especially "3 Libras" from A Perfect Circle). I am so intensely shadowing, I am afraid I will not be able to 'give it my all' tomorrow; and I never go on stage without giving 100%.
In any case, whether I am hurting or not - will pour my guts into it. We only have to play 45 minutes, 10 songs. If I can pull that off, I will be happy. I just hope if I do get hit with an attack, it will wait until AFTER I get off of stage.
You know what really, truly sucketh mightily? I have not ever been nervous about a gig since I was 15, but right now I am freaking!!!! I have had no sleep, some very brutal attacks through the night and morning, and I am sluggish.

The only way I am surviving right now is like I told August; I just keep telling myself "One more day and it will all be over." Though I know that is not the case in my situation, I have to tell myself that just to make it through another day. Okay, I am babbling. Just finished off the last of the aspirin, and downing more Tylenol. I am eating my insides up trying to get some relief from the blessed shadows...

Oh, and if anyone out there prays to (insert the god of your choice here), please pray for me tomorrow night. That we will pull this gig off without a glitch, my head will show some mercy, I will be able to hold notes while my temple feels like it wants to explode, and most of all - that I do not get upstaged by the beast making a guest appearance. If that happens, We might turn it into the first ever death metal acoustic set. That would be different and slightly interesting. This is me not wanting that to happen.
I am just nervous about performing for the first time in a long time, and I don't like that feeling. I also do not like 3 hour attacks like I had this morning. Now my stomache is in knots, and I feel sick. I WILL NOT cancel tomorrow night though. I need to do this, if for nothing else, just to know I can still accomplish something, no matter how insignificant it may seem to some. Playing for an audience makes me complete in a unique way. If it were not for the CH, I would be out there playing on stages everywhere everyday of my life - whether famous or not. This is what I mean when I say I have been robbed. I cannot do what I feel I was born to do. Anyway, I will shut up now. Wish me luck. Coping one day at a time with the skullf***ing beast...

Carl D

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