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Posted by August ( on April 05, 2001 at 02:49:37:

In Reply to: Self appointed judges judge, and who gives a frickin' Blah posted by Carl D on April 05, 2001 at 00:01:12:

My heart is beating out of my chest right now from adrenaline rushing through me. I know exactly what your talking about. I've had a similiar revelation back in late december. An illusion of mine was shattered. I got to see the truth behind cheery words and smiles. False words, false smiles, false invitations of help and welcome. It hurt, it still hurts. It was like salt being ground into fresh wounds to find out by accident the people i thought were my friends actually couldnt' stand me and even questioned my very existance. It was like being kicked in the face and then told your shit and oh by the way i don't even believe your a real person. It's been a hard go forgiving them, but i have, and you know what? It still fucking hurts.

I have this to say to those who are judging you and your abiltiy to work...give it a try, trade places. While you do here are the guidelines. First go for weeks with every attack a 10. Go for weeks with getting hit every 2-3 hours with fucking 10's that abortives don't take out. That the god-send of 02 doesn't take out. Go for weeks of no sleep and let's see how well you can think and function. What am i losing it? Did i say weeks? Oh, i'm sorry lets' trade that for years. Try working when your barely able to stand at times from exhaustion. I don't know what it is like to be episodic, but i know what it is like to be chronic, and to watch those around me live, go out and have fun, be able to go to a movie, to a restaurant, just get out and have some fun. If you do get a job, how long do you expect it could be held like this?

I am so angry right now! You that have judged, you have no fucking right to hurt others like you have! You have no fucking right at all! If you think you are so righteous and such warm caring people, then try trading places and be on the recieving end of it. When you are so blind you can't see what your words and actions have done, have hurt, and you can not even open up your eyes to those suffering already before you even kicked them when they were down....i dont' understand it.

YOu that have judged, Carl is a talented musician, and writer. He gets up every day, and he keeps living through this hell. Self worth doesn't come from being able to keep a job. Self worth comes from the love in your heart and the strength in you soul. It comes from who you are, not what you do for a living. Such shallowness is pure bullshit!! I don't work, i have a friend that has taken me in and helps me. I'm very fortunate. If i was on my own i'd be homeless right now.

Every minute of your life is one minute closer to your death. Don't waste it hurting others. Don't waste it. It takes one hug to save someone from taking their life. It can take one cruel word to pull the trigger for them. The most beautiful and the most cutting edge of truth comes from a man that was un-employed. He wandered the streets with his own gang. He said to love God with your whole heart and soul. Treats others as you want to be treated. He said whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers that you do unto me. Would you judge Jesus for being on dis-ability? For these things he said he was crucified because it wasn't what people wanted to hear. No one wants to be told that they are wrong and hurting others. Well Wake the Fuck UP before it's too late. You could die tomorrow and do you really want to leave someone feeling like shit without asking for forgivness? Yes, maybe i have lost even more friends after writing this. YOu know what, if i have they weren't true friends to begin with. Am I judging you? No, i'm angry and i'm asking you to stop it! I know what a piece of shit i am, and i also know i've hurt people in my life. I'm afraid to death of dieing, but i'm more afraid of those i hurt i can never take back the harm i did to them.

I'm done.

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