Posted by Carl D (126.96.36.199) on April 05, 2001 at 00:01:12:
Well, it is fun fighting a battle when your fellow soldiers decide to turn the guns on you. Has had me questioning what a support group is; especially since this has been a topic for O.U.C.H. and the board.
Tonight, something truly amazing happened. I went into HSG chat, only to be picked to the bone by people I would have never seen it coming from. Blew my fucking mind! I guess friendly fire roams within common rank.
I am called a whiner by people who are in remission, who have abortives that work, and am being judged on how I am dealing with the mess I am going through both with CH and Sleep Deprivation (and a nice cold that has me running a decent fever). All of this pain-scale talk is way out of hand, and you know what? I am convinced that nobody knows how I feel because they don;t wear my fucking shoes everyday. I, as well, do not know what they deal with. And do I judge them, or hypothetically kick them when they are down? No. Instead, even when I am miserable, I try to show support to others. I did not know that there was a set measure for how much pain a person can feel, or that someone else can measure what another goes through. To do so is both hideous and an insult to that person.
I liken it to a support group such as AA. Here is food for thought: A group of people who struggle with alcohol meet together to talk about thier struggles, their pains, and what the bottle has done to them. A couple of people voice thier struggles either a bit too loudly or too frequent, and so they are reprimanded by the group, and then that person becomes alienated. How long will it take the outcast to begin drinking?
I am illustrating a point there and if you do not get it, then you never will.
I find it rather disturbing though, that it is being told to me that I am living in fear, and letting CH dominate my life, and so I do nothing because of the CH. It has been rubbed in my fucking face until no end, that Blah is better because he can work, and he deals with it and so should I and blah blah, fucking blah. Yes, so I do not work. So it has put me in a unique situation. Yes, and not to mention besides the CH, TMJ, neck spasms, panic attacks, and blah blah. If I elaborate too much further, then I am just whining and blah fucking blah. I deal with a hell of a lot of shit. I HAVE NOTHING TO ABORT MY CH's WITH. I do not have o2 or Imitrex or blah to help me cope. Oh well. I am reminded that each of us have different situations, and to judge someone elses is to say you know them, and therefore you know how they feel and what they go through. In my laziness and blah fucking self pity, I have managed to get a project going, and have begun performing again. I am alomst done with my first novel, and am also involved in several other projects I will not gloat over and make myself better than thou. Instead, I would just like to say that anyone who judges me without even having met me, I give!!! You are a better man than I. And being the lesser man, I hope to God I never treat someone with that kind of callousness and pomposity ever. I will not judge anyone, as I do not know them personally, nor do I see what they deal with on a daily basis. And one more thing: I have enough negative shit and insecurities in my life, mainly due to the fact it has been stripped away from what I used to be because of CH and its repercussions. If you are going to leave a negative response to this, please write it down first, and then recite it to yourself after each attack for a week straight. Then if you feel really good about yourself, feel free to leave a bashing post.
And for those who do not judge others or criticize... thank you for considering a persons feelings, and for being some peoples only source of support.
Peace, and I am out.
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