Posted by August (208.161.103.136) on April 05, 2001 at 13:47:45:
In Reply to: Don't beat Deb up because you are pissed at me! posted by Elaine on April 05, 2001 at 12:34:39:
Who is Augusta? August is the name of dead but very loved cat i had when i was a kid. My name is Marie McCann. You don't know anything about me Elaine, you have half the story and your filling in the blanks without even asking me. My life you don't understand, but you have judged me and pro-nounced me guilty without even asking for the facts. Now you bring it out here for what reason? Because you are hurt? Ask yourself what you are hurt about. You want the truth then dig into yourself first and search for it. Why did you offer me your hand for h elp and welcome me to your chat...and then i come back to talk to you and Todd to be sure my friends, the ones i thought were my friends were not hurting. What i came into was the two of you talking about me, and judging me. Big capital letters here JUDGING me without any of the facts straight.
My web-site belonged to my sister when she used it for her home business. It is my site, and if it was registered once to Scott that has nothing to do with me. I didn't even know it was registered to him until i found out that night from you and Todd.
This is my private life. I thought i was safe in your chat-room I didn't even know you kept loggs of everything we said. I found out later you did. I guess in that sence you were allowed to see my private life and then asked yourself all these questions about my private life. Instead of coming to me, and talking to me...you talked behind my back and you JUDGED me and you even said that you thought i was Ted at one point.
Now what am i supposed to do? Set the record straight for everyone now that you put it here publicly?
Public humiliation...it's such a wonderful feeling. I never judged you Elaine. You hurt me deeply and I forgave you. I told myself this lady is going through very hard times. I understand the pain she's in. I'm on chemo-therapy. I know what it can do to a person. I don't hate you, but i don't understand you. I see all the good you have done for so many, so how could i hate you.
If anyone needs to know the whole private story of my life, i'll give you the short version. I met Scott first in Yellowstone National Park, where we both worked. I met and dated him first. I broke up with him after finding out for myself what a horrible person he was. He didn't let it drop though. My breaking up with him was an insult he wouldn't take. He went after my sister and he started to date her. He showed is fake charming side, and fake love and hid his real self from h er. I warned her what he was, but she still married him. I lost years of my sister's life because of him. He married her h e said because she was a substitute for me. He married her to hurt me. It didn't hurt me the way he thought it would. It hurt me that she was married to a horrible evil man. Yes, my sister had a brain tumor. She is gone, ....i will never get to tell her now how much i loved her, how much i miss her, how life is absolute hell and shit without her in the world with me. You don't have any idea what it is like to lose your twin. You don't know anything at all about how hard it is to keep living when all you want to do is end it so you can just stop waking up, and stop having the first thought in your head be that i need her and i'm alone.
Scott did something horrible to her. I paid him back for it. I am paying now for what i did to him. He won't let it rest, he won't leave me alone. I"ve been living in fear for over a year now. The stress is un-describable. Yes, she loved Ted. Ted is a wonderful man that gave her understanding and love. When i came to th is board i came for one reason only. That was to do what she asked me to do. It wa s to be here for Ted. I've come to know h im as my best-friend and someone i love dearly. Scott took that away from me by threatening him to stay away from me.
If my life doesn't meet your standards of what a normal life is...i can't do anything about that. Hey, you got rid of me. So it all works out well for everyone.
I never posted any of this to the board. YOu brought it here. I said that night, that i still loved you. I never said Elaine and Todd hurt me horribly and said anything about it. I said goodbye to people because i thought i was never coming back. I told you and Todd that i still loved you as friends because i didn't want you to think it was your fault i was taking my life. I was everything Scott said i am. Pathetic and weak for what i did. I took an over-dose of morphine, my cancer pain med. I panicked because as much as i wanted to die, i also wanted to live. I just didn't want to live with so much pain in my head and my heart. I couldnt' take another min of it. I called for help, and they pumped my stomach and my friend i live with thought i was dead too. Clinically i was for a few min. It's something that has changed my life forever. Honestly, i am at that same point now. I don't want to breathe another minute with all this pain in me. I don't see it getting any better. Everyone tells me it's going to be. It's just getting worst. I came back to the board because i wasn't giving up. What was i supposed to do post about what i had done? I wasn't going to act like something had happened. Check the archives about your 24 hr. estimate. If i deserve this for what i did that night, I'll take responsibility for it. YOur paying me back now, and i'll accept it. I've stayed in my corner away from you, i've kept away from friends and chat. I've given you all the room you need. I've prayed for you that your cancer would go into remission. I was so h appy for you when it did.
You have no idea about anything with me or my life. What right di d you have to even judge my private life in the first place. How did my life have anything to do with you? It's my private life! It has nothing to do with you. I keep things to myself unless they are brought out here by Scott, or by ...well now you. I can say i've been hurt when i'm trying to explain to someone i understand how it feels. I never once gave your name out to this board who did it.
Take bits and pieces out of anyone's life and if they don't add up to what you don't understand, how does this make it non-existance and how does it make me less real? I'm here!! I'm hurting and i'm very real. All my life i've never been seen as me, but always as the same as my sister. We are not alike in character or in soul. We were identical, but she was the kindest, most gentle and loving person on this earth. You kicked h er when she was down too.
I was not beating up Deb e. I was trying to explain how i see the difference between tough love and kicking someone wh en they're down. I wasn't beating you down either. I didn't even know Carl was talking about you until you said it.
I'm fighting to live, but i don't know why. For what reason? So i can keep taking this freakin posion into my body that is killing off as much good cells as bad? To wake up and feel sick every freakin day? To look in the mirror and see this ugly person i've become, thinning hair and splotchy skin and ...just a complete freak anymore. I get sick at least twice a month because my immune system is shot to hell from chemo-therapy. I used to love walking and being outside and hiking. Now i'm too tired to walk upstairs to kiss my neice and nephew g'night. This is not a life. I come h ere and i try to help people because it gives me some meaning. I try to hang on and go through 10 after 10 and try to keep sa ne. I don't post anytihng about what i'm fighting because this is a ch board. I try to keep my life private, because it's so fucked up, and every part of it hurts people i love.
I give up, i can't keep here and trying to help when now when someone reads my name they think" oh it's the crazy woman who tried to kill herself" The one Elaine and Todd say isn't even real. No, i give up ... i give up .