STILL ALIVE and kickin' and typin' (Thanks to all)...

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Posted by Mike (B) ( on July 07, 2001 at 11:54:38:

Hello again everyone! (Groans)

Wow. I made it through. It always amazes me when the next day does actually come. Dawn is such a beautiful thing. :)

Lasted like many hours though. And I am very tired today. (Woke up after about an hour or so of sleep with a pretty bad one. Just got over that one too.)

And yes, Dave, it was just the start of a 10 (At least according to the Kip scale anyway). Sorry about your CH's. You guys just don't know how damn stubborn I am and could not see me (Pacing, spinning in my chair, kicking the floor when I was sitting, crying and moaning, pounding/holding head and trying to see/type) or how long it took to try to write each thing I was typing last night (BTW, I looked at some of my posts after it had kicked in real good. And no, I'm NOT retarded (I swear)! It looked pretty ridiculous though. Sorry :).

I just did not want to leave the board and be all alone through it. You could not see me after I left the board either. It was terrible (for me anyway). Kept hitting my head on the wall by the bed and crazy stuff like that. Took too many pills but they did not help. Was probably one of the worst ones I've ever had. Lasted for many hours. I was like that girl (Except of course, I'm a guy :) in that exorcist movie. You know, floating above the bed, talking in tongues, puking and turning my head all the way around and throwing priests about like rag dolls and stuff :) I had to pick up a few of them (Priests) that were strewn about my front yard this morning and put them out with the trash. Whoops! :)

My dad has some belongings stored at my house and one of them is a sawed-off shotgun (with shells taped to the side) that was given to him by a WWII veteran. When the CH's are that bad, I cannot help myself. I think about that damn gun sometimes... Click. POW! End of pain... All of this is very emberassing to relate (Weak?!?).

(Please, please, nobody ever do that! There are other ways to deal with it (CH). Just listen to these guys. There are soo many beautiful/wonderful things in life worth hanging around for. So, just keep hanging in there. Hey, even eating some cereal's pretty cool. I had a tattoo put on my arm years and years ago after my divorce (The four directions in motion) to remind me that things always change and that I will ALWAYS be on the red road, no matter what. Celebrate everything!)

But, for better or for worse, suicide's not my style I reckon. I'll think about it sometimes but, I guess when it comes right down to it, I am a fighter. I do not like to give up on anything, ever (NEVER lost a boxing match :).

I'm like Russel Crow in that Gladiator movie. Except I'm kind of too short and have red hair and freckles, maybe a little too skinny and I don't know how to fight with swords and don't make a lot of money or have a princess anymore who loves me... Hmmm. OK, ok. Maybe I'm NOT like Russel Crow. LOL! So, no worries.

Dave, I do hope that maybe your right though and I have never seen a 'real' ten. If that is the case, I do not EVER want to see a 'real' ten. I do not want ANYONE to ever see a 'real' ten.

Thanks for everyones posts (and emails). I did manage to catch Tina's (Thank you, thank you!) before I went off to never, never (Never go there) land... Read the others just now...

You guys are the greatest (Thanks for the prayers for Cathy!). I have not heard from her in days and I hope that she is alright. Sigh. I hope that all of you are alright to...

Be good to yourselves! Smile, GOD loves you all.

Love, Michael B

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