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Topic: Sorry I haven't been posting... (Read 326 times) |
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Carl_D
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But right now I am just miserable from being in pain 24/7, battling whopper kip 10's, and really really depressed. I figure by now everybody's sick of my whining anyways. (In case you haven't figured it out by now, I am a very emotional person and at times think I feel things too deeply.) Like I told Donna today, things are bad enough right now that, if I knew me, I'd avoid myself right now too. Believe it or not, that was before the day really turned to shit. I've learned never to say that it can't get any worse cause when you do...
My brother David, who I almost never see anymore, came by this afternoon and I knew something was up. He came by to get me, as they called in the family for my aunt Diane who is dying. They took her off the machines this morning, and the Doc said she will only make it another day, if that. Out of all of my aunts and uncles, I am closest to my aunt Diane and her 3 daughters. So for now, I am trying to ignore my own physical and emotional pain and keep it hidden, and to be there for my cousins. The oldest is pregnant, and already had a scare a couple of weeks ago that she might lose the baby, and now with the stress, not sleeping and not eating... I'm really worried about her. Hell I'm worried about all three of them. This is really a shitty time of year to lose a parent. I lost my father two days before thanksgiving in '88...on the same day my uncle Bill was being laid to rest after battling cancer. Also, I was born on my mom's birthday and in '93, she passed on our birthday. I couldn't even celebrate for years afterwards.
Anyway... gonna go crawl back into my black hole and struggle for some Z's.
Peace,
Carl D
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fubar
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Re: Sorry I haven't been posting...
« Reply #1 on: Dec 17th, 2004, 3:00am » |
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it's a suck ass world sometimes... in the thick of it now too my friend and I wouldn't want to be near me either. I'm afraid it might rub off on someone. one thing keeps me going, but it's only a blurry vision of the mantra... 'it can't kill me'. In fact, if the pain reaches it's worst, it triggers things in me that aren't exactly describable, but strangely transcendent. Like reaching a place where the only logical explanation for feeling that much pain is that you are completely connected to all living beings and have suddenly become a termination point for all bad energy. Sometimes, I can trick myself into thinking I’m just a conduit for this energy and my job is to dissipate as much as I can bear so it is not passed on. Almost enough of a distraction I guess, the result is that while the pain causes my body to contort and writhe, somewhere between the body and the mind the pain signal gets lost and I don’t exactly feel it. I know, you’ll think I’m nuts here, but I’m talking about kip10, not a meegraine. Dude, if you’re in the kind of extreme pain that I’m describing, maybe you can try to play some mind tricks of your own. You might be f’ing amazed at what you can fool your brain into believing if you try.
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"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
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Carl_D
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Re: Sorry I haven't been posting...
« Reply #2 on: Dec 17th, 2004, 3:18am » |
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Sorry your getting slammed too bro, but glad you found a form of escape to cope with the pain. I have a friend who told me that when the pain gets too intense, to imagine a box in front of me. Then, focus on moving the pain out of my head and into the box. I try all kinds of things. I even try Charlie's redirecting of blood flow from the head to the hands or feet. However, once I hit level 10, it's all over. I can't concentrate on anything. The pain completely takes me over.
What I do now when riding out attacks is press my fingers into the jawline near the neck and ear, to try and cut down bloodflow to the temple. I learned a long time ago not to press on my temple or eye, as there is already too much pressure there anyways and more will just make it worse or last longer. I've also learned that when I go into a rage and start destroying shit or beating my head and fists on anything and everything, the more worked up I get, the worse it gets. So I sit indian style, rock back and forth and try to remain as calm as possible and focus on breathing. I'll punch my leg or the floor too, not hard but rhythmically.
Hang tough man.
Peace,
Carl D
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Gator
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Re: Sorry I haven't been posting...
« Reply #3 on: Dec 17th, 2004, 3:45am » |
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Carl, my brother, I feel real bad for you. As far as I'm concerned, don't worry about bi+ching too much. At least when you are posting here we know you are alive, even if not well. It's when we don't see a post in a while that we get worried.
If there were a way I could carry your load for you for a while and give you a break, I would do it in a heartbeat. I can't do that, though. All I can do is be here to listen when things get rough. So rave on man.
Peace be with you.
Mike
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Carl_D
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Re: Sorry I haven't been posting...
« Reply #4 on: Dec 17th, 2004, 4:31am » |
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on Dec 17th, 2004, 3:45am, Gator wrote: At least when you are posting here we know you are alive, even if not well. It's when we don't see a post in a while that we get worried.
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Ditto Bro! Read my quote below. I know you're having a rough time with shit right now too, but don't ever give up the fight. Ever. Like Linda and Margi and so many here say, when you run out of rope someone always has extra here. At times I feel like my rope has shredded and I'm just hanging on by a thread - but I keep hanging on. You have to do the same. I've been worried about you too since we last talked in PM. Like I said before, if you need anything or just need to talk, shoot me a PM or Email. I'm gonna be in the dark here soon at home, but will be able to check messages at my bros house. Hang tough bro. I'm praying for you and your cars, and for your load to be lightened up soon.
Peace,
Carl
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Lobster
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Re: Sorry I haven't been posting...
« Reply #5 on: Dec 17th, 2004, 7:57am » |
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Carl!
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Rock beats Scissors.
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Jeepgun
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Re: Sorry I haven't been posting...
« Reply #6 on: Dec 17th, 2004, 8:28am » |
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Fubar, I've experienced what you're talking about. It sucks to have to go through that to reach that state, but once there, it borders on the sublime...
Carl, I'm so sorry, bro. My best wishes to you and your family.
Blessings.
-Frank
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ExplodingEyeBall
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Re: Sorry I haven't been posting...
« Reply #7 on: Dec 17th, 2004, 9:20am » |
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Carl..Fubar...
I just really can't think of what to say to you guys except that I'd love to see you guys get some PF time soon.
It sucks to hear that people are going through this kind of stuff without a break. If I ever went chronic, I don't know what the hell I would do.
You guys and the rest of you who are chronic are THE strongest and most durable people on earth to be able to go through this crap and still be around to talk about it.
Bad thing always seem to happen to good people. I think that sometimes the bad things are the character builders that make the good people good.
Hang in there guys.
Pat
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Just poke out my eye and get it over with!!!
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vig
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Re: Sorry I haven't been posting...
« Reply #8 on: Dec 17th, 2004, 9:24am » |
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From Lawrence of of Arabia:
[Lawrence has just extinguished a match between his thumb and forefinger. William Potter surreptitiously attempts the same]
William Potter: Ooh! It damn well 'urts!
T.E. Lawrence: Certainly it hurts.
Officer: What's the trick then?
T.E. Lawrence: The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts.
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never, Never, NEVER quit. -Winston Churchill
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becky8
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Re: Sorry I haven't been posting...
« Reply #9 on: Dec 17th, 2004, 10:52am » |
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You don't need to post, you just need to be you! 
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Tara Ann
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Re: Sorry I haven't been posting...
« Reply #10 on: Dec 17th, 2004, 11:02am » |
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Aw Carl don't worry about "whining" , be yourself (even if it is emotional) Unload on us as much as you need to, feels good to just cry and yell and scream to more than just yourself sometimes. I'm so sorry to hear about your Aunt. Hugs and vibes to you.
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http://www.myspace.com/taraann77
 
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nani
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Re: Sorry I haven't been posting...
« Reply #11 on: Dec 17th, 2004, 11:05am » |
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(((((CARL))))) 
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Others may come and go, but MY power is MINE.
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Charlie
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Re: Sorry I haven't been posting...
« Reply #12 on: Dec 18th, 2004, 2:01am » |
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All I can offer is some vibes and to let you know that I've been there too. It's something we all have to get around...........not very easy.
Hoping for PF days and that you have a break for the holiday.
Charlie
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There is nothing more satisfying than being shot at without result---Winston Churchill
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