Author |
Topic: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS (Read 4187 times) |
|
Renee
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
May we all find some pf time! Is it summer yet?
Gender: 
Posts: 1060
|
 |
Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS
« Reply #50 on: Jan 8th, 2005, 10:47pm » |
 Quote  Modify
|
Quote:We'll be here to kick that butt of yours any time you seem to need it too! You're right, sometimes that's exactly what we need.
Dead is forever - pain isn't! |
|
I keep telling this to myself. 
|
|
 IP Logged |
23 years of battling the beast, 9 years chronic......uneducated docs/nurses make me irate.
The fungus among us is for real!
|
|
|
Paula
New Board Newbie
Gender:
Posts: 37
|
|
Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS
« Reply #51 on: Jan 8th, 2005, 10:57pm » |
Quote Modify
|
I have thought of suicide very often when in cycle. Less now that I have a husband who really cares for me. He gets the O2 portable and puts it in the car and pores me in the seat and off we go to the ER. If it gets where I am literaly screaming and nothing else is working or I've taken all the imitrex I can. I thank God I found him. He is the one who lead me to this site! He does hide the gun. Not sure if I ever really would or could kill myself but man I don't want to chance it. Life is to special.
|
|
IP Logged |
Love, Paula
|
|
|
Gator
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Gender: 
Posts: 4556
|
|
Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS
« Reply #52 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 1:06am » |
Quote Modify
|
I've never passed out with CH. As far as suicide, I've shared this before, but if it helps others:
I was having upwards of 8 attacks per day. No preventatives, no abortives, nothing that worked at all. There were times I looked up from the floor and begged my wife to shoot me - to stop my pain. What a guilt trip to lay on her. What a weak and selfish thing to do. I look back to that and I am so incredibly sorry I did that to her.
Severe depression set in and one night I got to the point where I made up my mind to kill myself. I couldn't take another minute of the pain. I had enough left over medications from failed treatments to kill an elephant. I had the pill bottles open on the desk and a glass of water ready to end it all. The pain was boring through my right eye like a drill bit on fire and I screamed at God to either cure me or kill me. Since He was inclined to do neither I was going to take care of it myself. In those brief seconds before taking the last step, my thoughts drifted to my family. My poor wife. The thought of her finding me and blaming herself for not being there (which she would do, possibly to the point of eventual suicide herself) was too much to bear. I could not put that guilt on her. I love her too much. The thought of one of my kids being the one to find me and being scarred for life was unacceptable. I love them too much. I thought of my oldest son in the Army ready to go into battle in a foreign country. How would my actions affect his ability to stay alive under fire? My next oldest son who was almost killed in a car accident, who at the time "would probably not live," then "probably not walk," then "definitely never play football again." With a rod in his femur and plates and screws in his ankles, he fought through all the pain and never listened to what he would "probably" never do. He was back on the football team, that following Spring Training. The thought of not seeing him on the field for the first time since the accident was unbearable. My youngest son, the sensitive artist. He has already been through bouts of depression at his young age. Would I be telling him it's okay to kill himself, even encouraging him to do so? What father would do that? I thought of my granddaughter. So cute. I would miss her first steps, her first words, everything that a grandpa looks forward to. In tears, I wandered through the house – looking in on them as they slept. I went back to the table and put everything away. I had come so close to never seeing them again.
Shortly afterwards, a friend of my wife recommended a website: www.clusterheadaches.com. It was here I found salvation. I cried as I read the stories of other “clusterheads.” Just knowing there were others that suffered like I did and understood my pain seemed to lift a great weight off my soul. The members here are now a second family to me. I have no words to describe the love and support they provide.
Just reading back through this and reliving it all again is tearing me up. There is definitely no good that can come from suicide. Neither for you nor for your family. No matter how bad the pain, it does end. Death is forever.
PFDAN to all,
Gator
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
CC2004
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Junior
Gender:
Posts: 91
|
|
Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS
« Reply #53 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 2:27am » |
Quote Modify
|
beautiful Gator
me too
bless you and yours - bless all our families, at home and here
PFDANs
CC
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
JoeS
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Junior
Gender:
Posts: 58
|
|
Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS
« Reply #54 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 7:31am » |
Quote Modify
|
Great story, Gator. Thanks for sharing it.
Joe
|
|
IP Logged |
Your mileage may vary. See your doctor for details. Offer void in Tennessee. Past performance is not indicative of future results. No warranty is expressed or implied. Do not taunt happy fun ball.
|
|
|
Chillrmn1
Guest
|
|
Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS
« Reply #55 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 8:43am » |
Quote Modify
 Remove
|
Gator,
Yes, Great Story.
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
unsolved1
Guest
|
|
Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS
« Reply #56 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 10:07pm » |
Quote Modify
Remove
|
Great story Gator ... thanks for sharing 
I want to leave this link again:
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
PF wishes all around,
Unsolved
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
JBC
New Board Newbie
Am I out of Imitrex again?!
Posts: 21
|
|
Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS
« Reply #57 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 10:54pm » |
Quote Modify
|
I keep 2 loaded guns in the house for home protection. I have never put a gun to my head in desperation, but I have considered it a few times. If I were not married, I possibly would have gone all the way with it, but now that I am married with a child on the way, this is not even a consideration. I know that the pain will eventually go away from the CH attack, but the pain of my death will never go away for my wife and child.
|
| « Last Edit: Jan 9th, 2005, 11:00pm by JBC » |
IP Logged |
|
|
|
BMoneeTheMoneeMan
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
In remembrance of KingCazman. RIP
Posts: 2082
|
|
Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS
« Reply #58 on: Jan 11th, 2005, 2:29am » |
Quote Modify
|
I used to joke with my wife that i would eat a bullet. I havent joked about it in a while because it seems to be a better and better idea. Like this past Saturday night, (actually Sunday morning), it was about midnight when the beast came knocking at my head. I do the usual....take 4 to 5 advil and 2 excedrin as well as the Maxalt, and just try to bear it. When it gets real bad I can't be in the bedroom with my wife so I go to the bathroom and dance. I have noticed that putting warm to hot water over my eye and on my forehead seems to help the headache. So I just dance in the bathroom, hunched over the sick putting water on my head and massaging it very firmly. I always know that it shouldn't be more then 1 hour until the kip 9 goes down to a much more bearable kip 8 or 7, but this last Saturday night was different then most. I had a full kip 10 and it lasted for 2 full hours. This type of indescribable agony was just that....indescribable....pure torture.
Just make it stop, just make it stop, just make it stop. I can't help but to think about putting an advil right down the gun chamber and shooting it directly into my brain to stop it once and for all. I know that is only a dream. I have a beautiful wife and a terrific 4 year old daughter and I couldn't die knowing I have betrayed them so badly.
They have to stop. Just make them stop.
BMoney
|
|
IP Logged |
"Fool me once, shame on, shame on you. Fool - can't get fooled again"
Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half the population is stupider than that.
|
|
|
markeydsl
New Board Newbie
Gender:
Posts: 7
|
|
Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS
« Reply #59 on: Jan 11th, 2005, 6:19am » |
Quote Modify
|
Hello, I have chronic clusters at the present time and have had episodic clusters for 27 years. I have been having these things since I was 13. I can honestly say that if I had a fast sure fire way to do myself in I would have already, but then after about an hour or so of crying, banging my head, The headache goes away and I realize that It was just the result of the head ache. Unfotunatly that does not help when I am having one.
The passing out thing. I have a very high pain tolerance for almost anything, but the pain I have suffered over the years with these clusters has caused me to pass out, or as you put it shut down. I think it must be that pain threshold for me, sometimes they just kind of hit a high note beyond my ability to take it and opps there I go again, however in 27 years I have only experienced this a hand full of times.
For the most part medication does not work for me right now and these things are so frequent and the duration is about 45 min to and hour and a half, that I have been sedating my self sometimes with half a pain killer that is smashed up or a couple of valium that My neuro doc gave me. Unfortunatly this would not work for most people since I understand that most clusters are not this long or frequent.
Just hand in there and keep telling yourself that its just another 10 minutes, do a count down. kick your feet, bang your head. I have found that doing something to desensitize myself actually does help, wel sometimes anyway.
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
River_Rat
New Board Old Timer
NUFF SAID!!!
 
Gender:
Posts: 377
|
|
Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS
« Reply #60 on: Jan 19th, 2005, 9:47am » |
Quote Modify
|
I have three kids that's why I'm still here...nuff said
PFDAN
NORM
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
ami-manning
New Board Newbie
Gender:
Posts: 6
|
|
Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS
« Reply #61 on: Jan 19th, 2005, 10:22am » |
Quote Modify
|
I have passed out twice and once had a seizure from the pain. My neurologist told me the same thing about the pain threshold and your brain shutting down. The first passing out was in a dr's office -- so that was good. The second I was at work -- which was horribly embarrassing -- and the seizure was also in the hospital under a doctor's care. So I was very lucky. But yes, it does happen.
|
|
IP Logged |
ami manning
|
|
|
sailpappy
New Board Old Timer
 
Gender:
Posts: 349
|
|
Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS
« Reply #62 on: Jan 19th, 2005, 10:44pm » |
Quote Modify
|
 Actually in the early days when Charlie and I started having these, they were refered to as the "Suicide Headaches" Strokes and suicides have been linked to
ch's.
I have a letter my Doctor sent to the VA National Review Board that says that I would either end up dieing of a stroke or killing myself if they could not find some help for me, have considered it many times, but that is not the legacy I want to leave my kids and wife with!
I don't keep a gun at all, but I think the 150lb pull cross bow arrow would just bounce off this thick skull anyway!
First manner of coping is to remember that as sure as it started it will end. Pappy
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
Turts
New Board Hall of Famer
Ever danced with the devil by the pale moonlight
Gender:
Posts: 701
|
|
Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS
« Reply #63 on: Jan 23rd, 2005, 8:00pm » |
Quote Modify
|
I have never passed out, however I have knocked myself out headbuting the tiles in the shower while being hit.
Living in Oz guns are not readily available, however I have 'researched' other methods that would gaurantee "successs' even down to planning to do it someplace where family or friends would not be the ones to make the discovery.
However this was before I found CH.com
Turts
|
|
IP Logged |
'I'm very brave generally,' he went on in a low voice: 'only today I happen to have a headache.' (Lewis Carroll)
|
|
|
BarbaraD
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Hugs to ya
Gender:
Posts: 5164
|
|
Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS
« Reply #64 on: Jan 24th, 2005, 5:41am » |
Quote Modify
|
We've had 2 suicides here in Gladewater TX because of ch. One a kid and the other a doctor.
The kid's parents are still going thru a bad time because they didn't understand what she was going thru. When I heard about the doc, my one thought was, "Jerry is out of pain finally."
We've all thought about it and most of us have a plan. CH.com has saved a lot of lives because here we can get help from people who actually understand.
When I first came to ch.com, the suicide rate was much higher than it is now. We ARE making a difference.
Thanks DJ....
Hugs BD
|
|
IP Logged |
What don't kill ya, Makes ya stonger!
|
|
|
ClusterChuck
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
The BEAST rises again, and again, and again, and .
Gender:
Posts: 3181
|
|
Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS
« Reply #65 on: Jan 25th, 2005, 3:32am » |
Quote Modify
|
I had the method (not a gun) and time set to do it. Three days before the "date" I happened to google clusters, and found this site. This site stopped me. I think that part of the reason I was so down is that I had recently separated from my wife and family, and I was having 8 to 15 hits a day and nothing was working for me. But, the important thing is, THIS family stopped me from doing it.
Thanks Deej!!!
A far as passing out, when I first got them, I passed out everytime, and had total amnesia about them. That was part of the reason I was so hard to diagnose, I could not tell them what was happening. When I was properly diagnosed, the doctor said my body was shutting down to fight the pain, and my mind was trying to keep me from remembering them. Now, I still pass out sometimes, but unfortunately, I don't have the amnesia anymore, damnit!
Chuck
|
|
IP Logged |
"No man can be happy without a friend, nor be sure of his friend till he is unhappy."
Thomas Fuller
|
|
|
alleyoop
New Board Hall of Famer
Wake me up when it's all over.
Gender:
Posts: 1143
|
|
Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS
« Reply #66 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 8:05pm » |
Quote Modify
|
on Jan 19th, 2005, 10:44pm, sailpappy wrote:
First manner of coping is to remember that as sure as it started it will end. Pappy |
|
I couldn't agree more Pappy. As bad as the pain can get, it's the thought of knowing it will end- and leave as fast as it came on that has always kept me from seriously considering suicide during a hit. But that doesn't mean that I haven't contemplated taking the "dirt nap." As a chronic, it's the day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year of enduring hits that has brought the thought to my mind. The slow but inescapable erosion of the quality of life is bound to lead one down a road of depression and desparation that could easily culminate in suicide.
Yet when I looked at what I was contemplating objectively, I realized how purely selfish I was being. One does not have to look far to find someone else in a far worse situation. When you look at the hurt you would cause everyone else in your life, you can easily see what a selfish decision it is. As someone else said, I decided I didn't want to leave that legacy to the ones I love. Thank God!
I kept trying different meds and treatments until I found one that worked for me. I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone here who was involved in helping me find an alternative treatment. You know who you are! I won't go so far as to say you saved my life, although I won't rule that out. One thing's for sure though- the difference in my quality of life is like the difference between night and day.
..................alley
|
|
IP Logged |
I know that the Good Lord won't put any more on you than you can stand, but sometimes I wish He weren't quite so PROUD of ME!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Home
Help
Search
Members
Member Map
Login
Register
Reply
Notify of replies
Send Topic
Print
test rss