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   Author  Topic: Starting Kudzu again...  (Read 3283 times)
E-Double
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #50 on: Dec 15th, 2005, 8:55pm »
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HUGS!!!
 
I'll hang out tonight if ya need.
 
E
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I can't believe that I have to bang my
Head against this wall again
But the blows they have just a little more
Space in-between them
Gonna take a breath and try again.
Melissa
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #51 on: Dec 16th, 2005, 7:35am »
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Oh wow...I tried so hard to stay awake last night.  So hard....  I ended up taking my pillow along with a thick fleece blanket, and just laying down in front of the fireplace after putting another log on.  I don't even know how fast I fell asleep, but I remember wakingi up feeling very cold.  I noticed the fire was out, so I grabbed my blanket and went into my bedroom, put it on top of the comforter, crawled in and passed out.
 
Next thing I knew, my husband was telling me bye  before he left for work.  It was 5am.  I don't know how, but I slept.  I SLEPT!  I am just breaking down in tears because it was like diamonds to me.  I told Jess that I must have been so deprived that it just "happened".  He said yes, and that he was happy that it "happened"., because I really needed it.  
 
After my hit last night, kip 8 is as much as i can describe it...could of been closer to a 9, but afterwards, when I was able to speak, I said to him.  Now you understand why I am willing to do anything to end this.  He said yes, he does, and hugged me so hard. Cry Cry Cry Cry
 
I don't care if the seeds work or not, but I do have faith that they will,  but I feel like total ass for not even t rying something like this years ago.  Everyone here, and I mean EVERYONE, owes it to themselves to give yourself your life back.  No more crying from the pain that is so down deep within your heart from all the suffering you have been going through.  We are good people, so lets start treating ourselves better.  FUCK THIS SHIT, and dammit, I'm not  gonna take it ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
edited for really bad typos due to stuff, lol
« Last Edit: Dec 16th, 2005, 8:26am by Melissa » IP Logged
nani
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #52 on: Dec 16th, 2005, 8:14am »
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I'm glad you're not gonna take it anymore, Mel.  Smiley
Good to hear that you slept all night, too.  
You know, it took me 18 months to try these alternatives, and I could just kick myself for not trying sooner. I could have saved myself all that pain and suffering. I'm optimistic about the relief you'll get from the seeds. They have helped so many of us. Thanks for keeping us posted, and sorry your other thread got hijacked.  Undecided
hugs, nani
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #53 on: Dec 16th, 2005, 8:15am »
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YAY! sleep!  Cheesy
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #54 on: Dec 16th, 2005, 8:22am »
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on Dec 16th, 2005, 8:15am, lionsound wrote:
YAY! sleep!  Cheesy

 
What the basketball rack said
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I can't believe that I have to bang my
Head against this wall again
But the blows they have just a little more
Space in-between them
Gonna take a breath and try again.
Melissa
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #55 on: Dec 16th, 2005, 12:51pm »
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Fuck I hate being in cycle.  It's no wonder so many of us are on antidepressants. Angry  I felt like a lead head when I went to take a hot shower an hour ago, due to the xanax I took earlier.  I've decided, after crying in the shower and feeling extremely depressed (not suicidal, just depressed...I'm sure people here understand what I mean), that I'm quitting the xanax all together.  I'm not me when I'm on it, I don't like me when I'm on it, and it's a nice temporary fix of relief, but not something that one should live off of.
 
You know what I want?  What I REALLY want?  To fall into bed to sleep, with no worries about if Eli will hurt himself, or get into things and break them, or the dog having to go outside, or to have to answer the phone or the door.  I want to sleep, and sleep PF, and when I wake up, I don't wanna feel hungry or like shit.  Sleep should make a person feel recharged, refreshed and relaxed.  I hate feeling depressed.  It is not good when you feel like life sucks and it's a waste to even breathe.  Like I said before, I am not suicidal.  I do not feel like ending my life, killing myself, or any of that jazz.  I am just tired.
 
This morning I said to my daughter, "now do you understand why sleep is very precious like gold to me?".  She said, "yes I do mom, I really do".  I don't think she'll complain much about not wanting to sleep again, lol.  I love my family, and I will return.  Melissa WILL be back, I just wish she'd get here sooner... Undecided
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #56 on: Dec 16th, 2005, 2:12pm »
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It will happen...You WILL return--------   Smiley
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #57 on: Dec 16th, 2005, 3:24pm »
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I am just balling right now.  OMG.  The tears won't stop coming, because today, I feel like I'm going to be saved.
 
I needed some sleep, just a little sleep.  I laid down at 12:30pm and set my alarm for 2:15pm (that's when the mail would be there).  Wouldn't you know it, I get awoken at 1:30 with a kip 8 again.  I think my head is going to turn black and blue because I beat it so fucking hard on the shower wall. Cry Cry Cry Cry Cry Cry Cry Cry Cry
 
It left me at 2:03.  I finally was able to get my clothes on and venture out to the mailbox.   Cry Cry Cry Cry  There it was... OMG I started to cry, I am still crying....  I wanted to take a fucking shotgun to my head only 30 minutes before then.  
 
Now I have to go crush some seeds, get out that beautiful bottle of wine, and let er soak...
 
*huge sigh* and more tears...
 
mel
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #58 on: Dec 16th, 2005, 3:37pm »
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Wow, Mel just a few short weeks ago I felt just like you. I tried the seeds and I am a new person soooo I am sure it will work for you. Keep the faith and soak the shit out them first Kiss
 
sleep is not far away
Wendy
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #59 on: Dec 16th, 2005, 3:40pm »
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Good luck Mel, I'm sure you are doing the right thing. Just remember everyone here is rooting for you and backing you every step of the way  hug
lots of love
Helen
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #60 on: Dec 16th, 2005, 3:43pm »
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Aw, Mel - I wish I could just give you a big old hug and let you cry.
 
I'm sending up a prayer that these seeds are the magic you've been looking for.  
 
I'm a wee bit worried that you are just quitting the xanax though - is it safe to do that suddenly, do you know?  Honey I know you're at the point that you don't care and you just want the pain to stop - I want that too for you, you know that - but please do be careful ok?  
 
Keep us posted, Mel and, btw, you got TEN OUT OF TEN on the trivia today, ya little shit.  Wink  See?  Even totally sleep deprived, you still rock!
 
hugs, love and prayers,
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #61 on: Dec 16th, 2005, 3:58pm »
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Margi-
 
First off, LMFAO on the trivia, hahahaha. Wink
 
Secondly, yes Margi, it's the quick acting kind and it's for anxiety.  I'm already on Cymbalta for anxiety/depression, so the xanax is taken as needed.  Well, ever since I went into cycle, the anxiety did rise, but now I'm finding that it's not helping me lift my spirits, it's downing them.  Thanks as always, for the wonderful caring and support you give. *hugs*
 
Wendy and Helen, thank you both also.  For some reason, my gut feeling tells me that this will do wonders to end my cycle.  I am not afraid anymore.  At first I was all concerned about any "weird" reactions from any mind altering stuff, but after I thought about it, I probably get even more fucked up and loopy on the xanax!!! Wink
 
Right now, the seeds are ground up (I used my ultimate chopper) and they are soaking in a tiny A&W shotglass mug of Eli's, haha.  I have 2 hours set on the clock, and will try to hold out as long as possible, but my head is at a constant k2, which makes me very impatient.
 
I'll keep updating, promise.
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #62 on: Dec 16th, 2005, 4:04pm »
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good, Mel - I shoulda known you'd be on the ball.  Wink
 
Now go do that Santa Simon Sez thing that Ghost put up.  That will get you through some time and hopefully give you some smiles until the seeds are ready.
 
BIG hugs, keep us posted, ok?
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #63 on: Dec 16th, 2005, 4:06pm »
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How many did you do? And soak as long as you can possible stand it, k? It took me quite a few of them but I am kinda tough headed ,LOL, But it worked like a charm!  I am rooting for ya!
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #64 on: Dec 16th, 2005, 4:12pm »
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on Dec 16th, 2005, 4:06pm, Wendy wrote:
How many did you do? And soak as long as you can possible stand it, k? It took me quite a few of them but I am kinda tough headed ,LOL, But it worked like a charm!  I am rooting for ya!

Wendy, just 8 of them.  That is what Flash recommended for me as did BobW, since I am already on an antipsychotic.  I will try and soak as long as possible, but plan on at least drinking it down before bedtime.  
 
Thank you for the roots!!! Grin
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #65 on: Dec 16th, 2005, 5:00pm »
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Wishing you the best, Mel.
 
If you're going to soak less than 12-24 hours you should stir it up every once in a while.
 
BB
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #66 on: Dec 16th, 2005, 5:32pm »
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Thanks BB, will do.
 
I had said earlier, either in this thread or another, that I had also ordered a stress tonic tincture from iamshaman.com.  I was told to hold off on using any of it, as it can be quite potent stuff.  Well, beings that my head, especially the right side around the temple, is extremely bruised, I figured I'd try just a tiny bit to see how potent it was.  Now the directions on the bottle say 30-40 drops 3X a day with water.  I only put 4 drops in a mug of my rooibos tea, and unbelievably, I can feel the effect.  It is definately calming, but yes, POTENT, lol.  
 
Just wanted to add that in here.
 
Smiley looking forward to this evening as I will not be laying down to sleep right after taking my dose.  Besides, I'm terrified the way it is to fall asleep right now. Sad
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #67 on: Dec 16th, 2005, 7:21pm »
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Keeping my fingers crossed for you, Mel. I'll be with you in spirit. I'll be doing a 9 seed maintenace dose tonight. It's been a month since my last dose, and even though I'm not really having any symptoms, I want to be sure I don't let the fucker back in. Keep us posted. hugs, nani
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #68 on: Dec 16th, 2005, 7:53pm »
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somewhat odd coincidence, melissa. my seeds arrived today as well, are soaking in white wine as I write, and will be washed down this evening.  Smiley
 
We'll be fighting a joint venture across the nation. I will soon be posting my headache journal from this cycle and my soon to be experience with RC Seeds. My cycle is already on its way out, and in a way I don't really have to dose tonight, but if I can do it and i will not have any shadowing or attacks, i am down! Plus, I have decided, since this cycle was sooooo hard on me, that I am now dedicated to doind a dose the first of every month for the rest of my life, or until it doesn't work any longer, or until I do not need it!
 
Best of luck.
Chris Moore
 
If anyone uses AIM and wants a fellow clusterhead to talk with, I'll be online for a little while tonight.
 
AIM - chrismo5555
 
PFDANS to all
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #69 on: Dec 16th, 2005, 10:22pm »
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Chris, that's awesome!!!  Hope everything goes nice and smooooth for ya!! Wink
 
 
Thought I'd update right now before I head back to sleep (Jesse woke me up at 9pm because he had made a big fire in the fireplace for me to sleep next to.  I told him that I'd just take my pillow and blanket and sleep there, he said, "well I'll come and sleep out there with you".  I said, "but you have to work in the morning", and he's like, "I'll take my alarm out there".  I then said, "you just want to keep and eye on me", and he said, "well of course I do, I love you".  Hahahaha Wink
 
Ohhhhhhhhh K now, here we go:
 
2:30pm 8 RC Seeds (ground up with an Ultimate Chopper) began to soak in a jigger of Lambrusco (red wine)
 
6:00pm with no food on tummy for at least 2 hours, I drank down the jigger of wine + 1 of water to get all the seeds down.
 
6:16pm Felt a warming of my ears, sleepy, like I was just a little bit drunk.  I could feel a cluster trying to break through but with something trying to block it.
 
At 6:30pm I ground up 10 RC seeds to soak in another jigger of wine for my dose tomorrow.  Then I laid down to sleep.
 
9:00pm, hubby woke me up to come out to the family room and now here I am writing to update you all.
 
Basically, I should have gotten hit like a mofo approx. 1 hour after falling asleep.   Guess what?.... I didn't. Wink
 
I am not going to say ANYTHING right now as to what may or may not happen, because currently, I feel like something is trying to break through.  What is really cool, is I can roll my neck, even crack what is left to be cracked, and nothing happens.  
 
Will update again in the morning.
 
Love you all, have a good night.
melly
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #70 on: Dec 16th, 2005, 10:26pm »
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Brought me a smile.
 
My wife is on board finally so I hope to join ya soon.
 
Hugs
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I can't believe that I have to bang my
Head against this wall again
But the blows they have just a little more
Space in-between them
Gonna take a breath and try again.
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #71 on: Dec 16th, 2005, 11:30pm »
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Mel - Glad you're responding well. Wish you a PF, restfull nights sleep with NO HITS.   Smiley
 
Eric - Great news you have your wife's support with the treatment. May you find complete success!
 
Bob
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #72 on: Dec 17th, 2005, 1:31am »
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Ok, it's 12:30am, I woke getting hit.  I have NO CLUE as to how high it's going to go.  So far, even tho I am having some pain, I can type...  sorta
 
I'll update this post when it has passed...
 
Ok, the bitch finally left at 1:23am leaving me feel like crap, but the pain level only went to a kip 4.  I drank a mug of rooibos tea (no time to make coffee) and took it in the shower with me because basically, I didn't know what else to do. Sad  Anyhow, I am hoping that's the only hit I get tonight.  
 
Ok, one thing that I will be doing differently than others, is a 2nd dose tomorrow.  I know Flash says to wait to dose again in 5 days, but I'm not sure I can wait that long.  I do have 10 seeds soaking, and will decide tomorrow whether or not I'll take them.  And if I do take them, I will then wait the required 5 days to dose again...
 
TTFN
« Last Edit: Dec 17th, 2005, 2:31am by Melissa » IP Logged
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #73 on: Dec 17th, 2005, 3:35am »
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Good morning Melissa- I hope that you are sound asleep at the time that I am typing this. Man I hate these damn things----I will keep you in my thoughts, and hope that the end is near. There has to be a reason that God gave us these. I am still searching for that answer, but  maybe---just maybe-----He thinks that we are strong enough to handle it. Out of several people in my family---I am the ONLY one to get these.....28 years and counting....every two years......My wife cringes when I say...UH OH---MY CYCLE IS BACK. Only this year did I find this board, and it is truly wonderful......Last week I went to my wife's business dinner and one of the guys at the table asked why I don't drink.........so I told him the truth, and he said he was also a ch sufferer..........unbelievable-----we acted like long lost brothers...........BE WELL AND STAY POSITIVE---IT IS ALL WE HAVE SOME OF THE TIME !
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Re: Starting Kudzu again...
« Reply #74 on: Dec 17th, 2005, 7:07am »
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4:30am, woke to hubbys alarm.  I wanted to go to bed and back to sleep, but was shadowing, so decided to stay up.  I am still shadowing now, and for about an hour from 4:45-5:45am it was at a kip 2.  I've decided that I am going to dose again today.  I am determined to knock that fucker out.
 
zwibbs- glad to hear you found someone with a common bond to know you're not alone, but pissed off yet another one suffers with this shit. Angry
 
Everyone, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your support and help throughout all of this.
 
mel
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