Sorry Ive gone so long folks. Life has been a 10 ring circus and Im playing ring master!!

I could use some adives on something..........my oldest son has his girl friend preggers!! Hes 19 and shes 18. Ive met her spent some time with her and HATE her!!! The baby is due Sept. 22 this year. Its his 1st piece of tail, says he loves her. Hes in college, working paying ALL the bills and is in debt up to his back side! She is doing nothing other then being preggers. Shes not in school and more then likely wont even get her GED. They live in PA (thank god) or I may have killed this girl. She has no clue of what she wants to do with her life and has no dreams other then being a mooch. He blew off going in the AF and is working for 8$ an hour has changed jobs faster then I change my skivies!! She is as useless as tits on a board hog!!
How should I deal with all this???? I know its alot to wrap the brains around but please give me something I can use here.
Leesa whos is dazed, cofused, and frustrated as hell 

Hi Leesa.
I hope things get better for you soon.
Drop in occasionally please & just let us know you [& Dave/family] are doing alright.

The only advise I can offer that comes to mind is this,
focus on maintaining the relationship with your son, hopefully the rest
will work itself out in time.

Well, Miss Leesa. my son married her..............for 9 months! She actually was caught cheating on him, and her excuse was he gave her no time, so she was stuck with the baby ALL DAY< TILL HE GOT HOME FROM WORK!! Todd was 21 when Michael was born. He is an awesome father, but, nonetheless, he was completely derailed by this child. Michael is an amazing 10 yr old ,now...............but if we(we're all in it
togehter) had it to do over again, they never would've married. Period. Michael would still belong to all of us, so the angst would not go away, but Todd wouldn't have spent 10 yrs of his life paying off debts they ran up while newlyweds..cars, honeymoon, house, dog.........etc, etc.........
I'm not sure what you can do, they live so far away.and I can guarantee you will fall head over heels in love with this baby the nano-second you set eyes on it...........but, the girl's got to go........(ohh, was that my public voice??).....
It's very involved, but if you wish to talk about it, you have my number.............
My heart goes out to you-this is NOT a good sitch. Stay calm, state your case....if they are REALLY in love, well, plenty of babies attend their parents' weddings nowadays. have the baby, then try living life.......BUT, as sure as I am sitting here, practicing my Hunt & Peck, he will never get to acheive all the things he wants to in life, if he is  derailed before he even begins......itis game over.........
I'm sorry, I do sound so negative. Michael is 10 yrs old, and Todd, at 32 still lives at home...it's either that, or a box under the Burnside Bridge!
Inhale, exhale, and repeat as necessary..........

Cathi

Sorry you are having to deal with this, Leesa.  I don't know your relationship with your son, but I have found trying to force my opinions on my boys often makes them do the opposite - even when deep down they know I am right.  Pride mainly, I suppose. 

It is so hard sometimes to bite your lip and let your adult children run their own lives, but that may be the best thing to do.  Regardless of how you feel, right now, he says he loves her and seems to be trying to be a responsible adult.  Anything you say could be seen as trying to undermine that.  It is a dilemma with many variables.  If you push too hard you could drive him away and you may never see your grandchild.  If you do get through to him and he decides to leave the girl, she could become a very painful thorn in his side for the next 18+ years and he may not be able to have a healthy relationship with his child.  You would likely get the blame for ruining his/her/their life no matter how it turned out.

Our roles as parents change when they become adults and are out on their own.  We have to let them make their decisions and live with the consequences.  It's very hard to see your kids stumble and not try to grab them and keep them from falling.  Unfortunately, sometimes the only thing you can do is be there for them when they need you.

It's tough being a parent.  I thought things were supposed to be so much easier once they grew up and moved out on their own, but you still worry about them and then they have kids of their own and you worry about them as well.  No wonder I am getting grey hair. 

I wish you luck with this.  I know I haven't said anything you don't already know.  I'm sorry I don't have anything better for you. 

Mike

Hi Leesa,

I don't know you, your son, or this girl who is carrying your grandchild.  But it sure sounds like they've made some very adult decisions and he at least appears to be working to support them.

IMO You won't really know if this is going to last until a year after the baby is born.  Raising a kid on short funds will be the true test.  In the mean time there really isn't anything you can do.  That sucks but there it is.  I'm sorry for your frustration and know your pain.

You see this is a situation I have some experience with from both sides. 

When Andrea and I got married I was 19 and she was 16 and pregnant.  All we had at the time was love and some notion that we'd build a life together.  She dropped out of school, eventually got her GED and I spent the next 10 years going to school nights and working overtime to keep the family fed.  That was 27 years and 10 children ago. 

No one at our wedding thought we'd make it.  But we did.  They might too.

My oldest daughter "fell in love" with a guy I couldn't stand at the age of 15.  I spent the next two+ years trying to keep them apart.  They were both young and I knew better.  She moved out to be with him the day she turned 18.  We didn't really talk for almost 5 years.  In the end they married without my blessing or my presence.  Eventually I swallowed my pride and decided to wipe the slate clean.

Turns out she was right and I was wrong.  He's a good guy and they do love each other.

What I've learned from this is, don't push a kid too hard in the direction you want them to go.  Their natural reaction is to do the opposite if for no other reason than to exert control of their young lives.  You just have to trust that the lessons you've given them over the years will guide them to the right decisions.

-Dennis-

I am on ther other side of the fence.

My daughter was 17 and he was 17 and Its her 1st piece of tail when she became pregnant because HE thought it would be cool to have a baby. She was the one who had to leave school, and as we saw it give up on her dreams for the immediate future.  I would happyly have killed him.

But she loved him and we loved her so we made the best of it.  He has worked as a chef since leaving catering colleage earns a pitance of a wage.

They have been togeather for 3 1/2 years now and now have a 2 year old and  a baby of 9 weeks. They have lived in thier own home for nearly two years and are making a good go at it.

The wedding is booked for next year in St Lucia and we are thrilled for them NOW.

I love my granddaughters to bits and am working on the realation ship with thier Dad.  I still get very sad when I think how hard they made thier lives, but it is thier lives and we help all we can with both time and when needed money for the children.

Because they had our full support my daughter says this made it much easier for them to make a go of it, I cannot say the same from his parents who screamed and cryed until the first baby was born (they wanted to terminate her) and now have made the wedding plans very difficult by screaming and crying about it all.  

My daughter does not work , not because she is sponging of him but because child care is to expensive for them and they want the children to be at home.  


I see his life carring on as he planned with a few extra burdens and I see my daughters life on hold untill the children are old enough for her to carry on her schooling or to retrain.

It all depends on what side of the fence you are on I guess.  But I highly recomend supporting your son with his decisions as you cannot take back any bad things said, and time has a way of making things much better.  You do not want to lose your son or your future grandchild which I hope will bring you joy in the days to come .

Now they are here I would not change a thing as they are the very best thing that could have happened and they have brought the whole family togeather in a way I  could never have thought possible.

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Hi Leesa!

It is soooooo good to see you back here, even though I'm sorry that you're facing such a tough situation right now!  May I ask where they live in PA?  (Even if you just say a broad region, that's fine!)

I think you have been given some very wise words here by everyone, and I'm not yet a parent, so I cannot speak from that perspective.  I am a nurse who works with people in this situation for my career.  And sometimes I just can't imagine how you don't need some sort of license to have a child, but you don't - and the truth is, people somehow make it work, in spite of themselves.

From my point of view, the most important thing is that that child is loved and cared for properly.  It sounds as though your son really is trying to be responsible and do the right thing.  Unfortunately, this happened to him at a time where it doesn't give him much leg up to get a better paying job.  And his gf is in just as bad a shape, if not worse.  But people DO make it work, even on little or no income.  I don't believe in public programs and handouts for people who aren't at least trying to move in a forward direction in some way (I'm not at all referring to disability for illness or injury - that, I completely believe in), but the public programs are there for people who need them.  And it is wonderful that your son is trying so hard to do the right thing - they deserve some assistance for the sake of the baby.

I hope she has at least applied for WIC because that can be meeting certain needs for her now and especially once the baby is born, they can get formula or breast pump, etc.  Many formula companies will give a certain amount of formula to people on limited income.  Carseats and even cribs can be gotten through established programs.  Of course, the number of programs available to them may depend on where they are living.  I live in Philadelphia, which has quite a few resources available where this situation is concerned.

I hope that she is at least getting good (and routine) prenatal care - even if it's at a free clinic of some sort.  The safety and welfare of the child is really a paramount thing.  Social workers and case managers can try to help hook them up with the available resources.

I think your role at this point is to ensure, as much as you can from where you are, that they are doing everything they can to take care of the baby.  Their relationship is a different matter.  If they love each other, then I think that's enough for now.  Time will tell if it will last through this tough time.  I agree that you have to be very careful not to push too hard, or they'll revolt and go in the opposite direction, perhaps right out of your life, which would be the worst case scenario because not only does your son need you in his life (which he may not realize as he's pushing you away), but the BABY needs you, too!  You can be a positive and loving adult role model as well as grandmother for the baby.

Anyway - hang in there, and let us know how it's going!

Love and hugz,
Lizzie2/Carrie

Leesa wrote on Jun 13^th, 2008 at 11:45pm:

Uhmm...did I miss something? It takes 2 people to make a baby.
TomM

Well family (if can still call yall that since Ive gone for so long) Im going to be NICE to her as best as I can. When we first got the call Dave and I KNEW what was going on. Yes Dave and both blasted our son. But I later told him that I was and still am proud of him for standing up and staying with her for the sake of his little boy!!  My son and I both are trying to make peace with the situation. I know how he feels and he knows how I feel.
BTW Kilroy, my son can do what ever he sets his mind to. BUT to be honest he has no drive to do better. Truth be told. He can be so much more and do so much more and I know this. But the choice is HIS to be better and do better. Point blank HE DOESNT WANT TO!!!! In a nut shell. Im glad you did what you had to for YOU and for kids!! You should be very proud of your self for that. I dont even know and Im proud of you!!!!
Yes it takes 2 to make a baby, duh I have 6 kids 4 I gave birth do!!  I could write a book on all this and how this all came about but that is past. Neither one of them are guiltless. My BIGGEST worry if for baby!!!! They did the deed and now they have to pay the price plain and simple.
IF she gets her GED, GREAT!!! If my son stays in college GREAT!! If they live of WIC and food stamps in order to get their crap together then so be it!! All of that is on THEM!! My hands are tied, I can advise when asked. BUT I WILL NOT get between them. One day if it works our for them GREAT!!! If it doesnt stick in the back of your mind and rem. how you messed up in the past and DONT repeat it!!!!
Thanks everyone for the help. It means alot!!! Ill keep ya updated.
The baby is a BOY and due Sept. 22!!
Leesa, Nanny to be!!

Leesa wrote on Jun 16^th, 2008 at 10:56pm:


I just wanted to say that you may be right for now. My family was right in the beginning as well. But, you would be surprised what the love for a child can do to someone who is no more then a child themselves in spirit or age. You may be right, I don't know your son, but don't be surprised when 10 or 15 years down the road, you think of all of this as a blessing. I know it’s hard to believe or even contemplate, but it may happen. My best wishes to you and yours in this troubling time. I guess I was just letting you know sometimes God or whoever you believe in knows what’s best for us before we do.

Well, enough seems to have been said at this point, things will work out, they did for me at 19 and boy did it seemed bleek, but now 15 years later, all is good with the world, but when you're deep in the shit, it seems endless...you and your family are in my thoughts...

Hi Leesa,

I have nothing to add....it's all been said and well too.  Things have a way of working themselves out.

Mainly just wanted to say 'hey' to you.....good to see you.  It's been a long time....tooooo long.

Much love to you all,
Jackie