I'm lost

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Posted by Angela ( on October 06, 1999 at 04:21:23:

I've read through everything and I think my husband wanted me to kill myself.I can think of no other reason for what he wrote here and did. Last night was horrible. I was desperate to escape from pain and he was telling me he was going to leave with someone I thought was my friend too. I didn't commit suicide. I just wanted to take enough for it to stop just a little. I'm an idiot. I wish I could erase last night. I caused a lot of people pain that I love because I was weak and wasn't thinking about anyone but myself. I'm sitting here shaking in the middle of my living room and everything is gone or destroyed. They took my clothes and threw the food away from the fridge. She's a size 8 and I'm a 6, I don't understand. I'm glad that my kids are with their grandma. I'm glad I have my fish and my plants and my vivaldi and rachminof CDs. He's right I am a paranormal freak whatever that means. I'm tuned into the energy that is in everything so are many other people. I'm not tuned into why this happened though. I've been an idiot and something they laughed about. In his letter he said at least I left you a frying pan you can hit your head with if needed. He already has a job in Fort Worth and I didn't know anything about this. None of my last five years were real or mattered. Nothing has mattered my whole life but trying to keep others loved and free from pain. That's all I care about now. I don't want to feel anything about me anymore. I don't want to think about anything that has to do with me. That's why it's all gone, and that's when others get hurt is when I get weak, when I give in. I'm sorry everyone that he took up space. I'm sorry to be so dark right now.

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