Don't respect me - just love me

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Posted by Jack Boyd ( on January 08, 2000 at 16:24:55:

In Reply to: With ALL due respect..... posted by drummer on January 08, 2000 at 15:50:35:

OK - I would have very dark thoughts - the world was a miserable place.

I always had a sense of restlessness that was unbearable. I also felt ( perhaps wrongly ) that a lot of movement was not a good thing. So I would change my position many, many times, in samll ways. If it was an a.m. attack at 3 in the morning, I would sit up in bed, do a little pacing, sit some more, stand, sit, stand, cross my legs, wish I was dead, sit, stand, walk to the bathroom, look out the window and I almost never looked at a clock because I was afraid to know how freaking long this attack actually was. I would also concentrate on the pain. I think you know what I mean. And just when I thought they could get no worse they always did. The best way I could describe it - it was WAR and survival.

I used to get nested attacks at the height of a cycle. Wake up at 1 am with the twinge. With in a few minutes I have a full blown cluster. Hours later it is sort of subsiding - going in to what was sort of residual pain. I am exhausted and want to sleep but I can't, because I know any kind of sleep will bing it on again. But I do sort of half fall out and it is back.

At work I would go find a place to hide and do the same sort of stuff as above.

I did not cry or scream or bang my head against the wall - not because I am stronger than any one else ( although I might be )but because I knew it would not help.

What forced me ( as you know ) to get medicated were workplace issues. You can not function at work with clusters.

The hardest part for me in this whole game of clustering was the fact that I WAS DEBILATED by them - I simply could not function at any kind of acceptable level when in a cycle. I did the best I could - taking off as few days as I could - going in to work late - hiding when I got there - you know the drill.

Soory if I have been a little dramatic.

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