You are not alone Carl

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Posted by Bob H. ( on March 23, 2000 at 12:41:27:

In Reply to: Flipping out bad!!! posted by Carl D on March 23, 2000 at 11:10:20:

Carl, I too am feeling EXACTLY the way you do! The pain is too much to put up with anymore. It breaks my heart to know that someone else has to experience what I am almost certain that NO ONE else could possibly feel. The only thing which has kept me from ending it all has been my 2 sons, ages 11 & 12. I have often sat with a razor blade to my wrist or out in the garage with a noose strung over the rafter KNOWING that this would be the only way to stop it PERMENANTLY! Then I think about what finding me like that would do to them. It's bad enough that that they have to find me EVERYDAY, rolling on the floor, screaming, crying like a baby, begging GOD to please, please end this misery. Then I think which is worse, to deal with this EVERYDAY, or to just have one last horrific scene. I really do not know anymore. I do not know if you have a family or not, but I pray that you do not as I know only too well how this disease destroys everything around it. We are the only ones who can truly understand what we feel and what torture we endure. I am so sick and tired of all the doctors who could not give a shit about what we feel. Do they think we are trying to fool them when we tell them of our levels of pain. What would we have to gain by this. Sometimes I just want to take a bat with me to the doctors and beat him over the head for an hour or so non-stop and then ask him how he would desribe the level of pain. Actions such as this would only re-enforce their perception of us as "nuts". It would not get them to even begin to understand what we must endure.
I've been raging with full-blown attacks everyday for about 5 months now and really see no end in sight. Been getting BLASTED everyday now at about 2 - 3 pm for about 2 weeks and really do not feel that I can hang in there myself. It's like being a prisoner of war and just laying around in your cell, feeling half dead from the last beating, knowing that your worst fear and pain in life IS coming back to beat you to within an inch of your life, day after day. You cry out, why oh why can't you just kill me once and for all! Why must I suffer like this day after day, with each beating taken to a level past the last, although you would swear that NOTHING could possibly be more painful than the last attack. Waiting to suffer, this is what my life has become. There are no more days of fun and laughter with my kids. No more playing ball with them or enjoying watching their school, sports or recreational functions. No more anything other than waiting for my beating, while laying on the couch recovering from the last. My heart breaks for my kids each time they have to see the beatings or they gently whisper in my ear " we hope you feel better Daddy". I wish there was someone or something that I could actually get my hands on that was responsible for destroying our lives. I would take out every ounce of pent-up frustration and pain which I've suffered over the years on this thing. But I would not kill it. No, no, that would be much too easy for it to get off. I would torture it long and slow, taking great joy in seeing it suffer the way I have. Forgive me for rambling like a mad man but I too am at the same point in life as you. Why go on? To suffer more? Perhaps all of us at the end of the rope should get together somewhere and help each other end it. When I am peaking I beg anyone around me to please help me, to kill me. No one else understands how BAD the pain is except those who are here. I know that I would gladly grant the wish of one of us to die if I was there when they needed me and would hope there are others out there who would do the same for me. I am tired of the suffering and being all alone. Even now I sit here knowing that in about 2 hours or so I will be dragged to the edge of life, beaten mercilessly and left for dead, only to survive just enough to make it to the next beating. Carl, when I say that I know where you are coming from, please believe me. I for one hope that you DO have the strength to endure and keep on keeping on but would think none the less of you if you do give up. It seems the only true, lasting end to the pain. Feel free to E mail me if you would like, we could exchange phone #'s and talk if you would like. My heart breaks for you, I really do feel your pain. Bob

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