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Posted by TRacy ( on April 14, 2000 at 15:40:05:

In Reply to: In light of the darkness.... posted by Carl D on April 14, 2000 at 14:32:39:

You are a very eloquent man. I think you have a lot to offer people. If you can't work in a band or anything like that - may be you could sel your songs, when I think of the crap that passes for music these days I'm sure you'd do incredibly.

I think we all wear masks for the people around us, because if they saw us as we really are we'd frighten them. I think that's why people think your bright and spunky, because they don't realise the torment that it's masking inside. I get so tired of constantly being asked if I'm ok and told how Im worrying people. I didn't *ask* to suffer this pain, its not like I *enjoy* making them worry out of spite. So I smile and joke, and pop the stress pills, and laugh and smile some more. But inside? Inside I'm screaming "Give me a *BREAK*! Just leave me alone to be me! Just for 5 minutes, let me let the mask drop". BUt of course they don't, and I dont.

I don't pretend I've had a life like yours. I would never say "I understand how you feel", because I could never do so unless I'd lived it with you. Too many people offer that line without thinking about what they're saying.

I don't think you've failed anyone. If your father had rediculously high expectations of you, that is *HIS* failing - not yours. If he can't accept you for the person you are, warts and all, then again thats *HIS* failing - not yours.

I feel I could've done more with my life, but I didn't. It was only after I finished with a violent ex that I hardened up and swore *no one* would *ever* treat me like that again. He told me I was less than a nothing. I wasnt even a blip on the landscape. I didnt even exist on this earth as a free person without him. He said that without him to control me my parents would control me, becuase I was weak, thick, stupid and softer than s*&t. Well, I've proved him apoint. But what can I do? The headaches stop me functioning. And you know what? If it wasn't for the fact I own my own little business (typing and stuff) working from home -*I'd* have been fired now too.

But Carl - if people won't employ you. It is *THEIR* loss! You are an incredibly deep human being and there are not a lot of people out there like you. People are incredibly shallow, your depth frightens them, it makes them realise what they've lost. Their souls, possibly - their hearts most probably. You are *UNIQUE* - there will *never* be another CarlD.

Don't despair of who you are - just rejoice that at nearly 30 you're coping with pain most people would throw themselves off of tall buildings before it even *got* this bad. That is *SUCCESS* Carl. You are an incredible person. You still have your *soul*, despite *everything* that fate has lobbed at you.

My bouts started 4 years ago and I live in hope whether I get help or not (not is looking more likely) they will just go away like they came. May be I'm dreaming, but I hope May be they will for you too. We can but live in hope.

I also want to take this opportunity to explain why I didn't respond to your need for help - I don't have meds, my GP refuses to help me and as for cash - well, Trevor was out of work for nearly a year (just contracting in the last 6 months), all his redundancy money went on bills and we even had to sell stuff to pay for repairs on the car recently. I never thought of myself as proud, but I didn't want to tell anyone. I realise now that was wrong. I don't think anyone wouldve judged me, but there you go - hindsight is an incredible tool. Although Trevor has a job now, money's still incredibly tight (my company's new and I'm not actually getting any cash out of it yet, it all goes back to the company as the bank said that would be best). Each week is a trauma. Clothing a 2 year old has it's own challenges, I'm just glad she's too little to be bogged down by commercials. As for me I've got real good at mending and home cooking like you wouldnt believe.

But I'm drifting off the point here, which is you. Whether you like it or not CarlD, you are a worthwhile human being with a *LOT* to offer people. Look at people on this board. Would they all be pulling for you? Would I be getting RSI typing this if we *didnt* believe that you make a difference in this cracked excuse for a world.

You have a whole heart full of pain (and I don't think we'll ever get to the bottom of it), that comes across in the way you write, but you deal with it - both physical and emotional - and that takes a strength most people dont, and will never, have.

You say you don't know what reason is behind all this for you personally, I say write your songs -they *could* be your passport out. You have an incredible talent and life experiences to make them *worth* listening to (unlike the garbage that's put these days), go for it.

You have certainly not failed yourself. You have a strength of character that most people lack. Okay, so your life hasn't followed the path you planned. I don;t think anyones ever does, mine hasn't and I bet loads of people on this board and others would say the same. If it has I can only say theyve been *incredibly* fortunate. But theyre rarer then hens teeth, lives like yours are the norm. Life plans dont work, I had mine planned before I was even 11 (not like yours. Mine was the standard 2, kids, hubby, etc), by 18 it was tatters coz of stuff that happned. So you have *NOT* failed *anyone*, certainly not yourself. All that's happened is the goalposts have moved.

Take a bow Carl - you are one incredible person, and I for one think this place, and the world in general, would be so much poorer without you.


P.S. I hope this hasn't offended, and I'm sorry this was so long.

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