In light of the darkness....

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Posted by Carl D ( on April 14, 2000 at 14:32:39:

You know, I have seen just about everything happen on this board. I have seen fights, morons, venomous hate-mongers, insolent creatures who despise others' attempts to deal with the frustration and hurt of thier pain; and I have seen compassionate, loving, caring, nurturing, good humored people who would give the shirt off of thier backs for someone in need. I have even experienced a caricature 0f a Stephen King-created character named Craig Toomey (from "The Langoliers") - a person who will nip and pluck at others just to provoke an aggressive post from someone - so they can point out how vengeful some people on the board can be. I will not respond to this nickpicking tekkie. He has as much right to be here as I, and if he wants to stir people up - then so be it. Some people get thier jollies off making everyone else miserable.

I am miserable enough. I have been out of pain-med since last night and the beast has had a field day with me. I have only been hit twice since midnight, but have been shadowing intensely for the last 3 hours. I cannot afford more meds, so I am back on my herbal treatments. I am not sure what else to do right now, except suffer with it. Doomsday is less than a week away, and the depression factor has already set in. After my attack at 4:35 this morning, I just sat on my bed, staring at the wall, wondering what the point is to all of this. Some people say everything happens for a reason, but what is the reason for all of this? What is the reason people should have to be racked up with agonizing pain that is both belittled and misunderstood? Why keep 'pushing on' in hopes of a brighter day when the days just seem to get darker? What is the point?

I realize I am not your ordinary average guy. I have not been through your ordinary average lifes experiences. Some of you can relate, all of you can relate to the CH - but not all of you can relate to being chronic; nor can you relate to losing your life. Riccardo has asked why I am unemployed when I seem so literate and spunky. It drives me crazy not being able to work. I have way too much time on my hands yet, when I try to work - the beast rears his ugly head to taunt me. Not to mention I am basically dragging myself around all of the time due to the fact I stay wore out. I would almost wonder if I had Chronic fatigue - if it were not for the sleep deprivation - which I know to be the culprit of my exhaustion.

I set goals every day. When I do not meet those goals - I feel like a total and complete failure. More often than not, I fall short of my own expectations. Maybe it is something that has carried over from my growing up experience - which was also not normal. I was a huge disappointment in my fathers eyes and, even if I would have built a mansion of gold and found a cure for cancer - I was still a disappointment to my dad. He didn't like me much. As a result, I haven't liked me much. I have been attacked so much in my life, my level of sarcasm and cynicism knows no barriers. My rage is well contained through my music, and I have found ways to deal with some of the failures in my life.
I still have not found a way to deal with clusters and thier affect on my life. I still have not found a way to deal with the fact that I should be in a different place of existence than I am now. I find it hard to deal with the fact that despite my talents, creativity, and abilities - everything I do is for no one.

I am rambling I know, I just have alot of things building up inside of me right now and I do not know how to deal with them. I am crawling through a crossroad right now that in my naive youth I was sure I would be flying over. When I had only been playing guitar for 2 years at age 12, there were many seasoned musicians that looked at me in shock (for one - I looked about 9 or 8), and stated that someone with my ability would go far in music. I was writing songs at age 15 that other musicians wanted to use for thier bands. Recently - I have recorded demos that - when I could afford to press them up - didn't stick around. Kids snatched 'em up quicker than I could duplicate them asking "when are you gonna do CD's?" I was told by a station programmer that they would play my music in a heartbeat - if the sound quality was better (everything I've done is on borrowed - cheesy, half broken equipment.) I was sure that by age 30, whether flight or fail, I would have released my first album and, at least made the effort on my own. If not there, I could easily join any band I wanted to.
Instead, I am trying to figure out next what I can sell to survive. I am wondering how much I have let those around me down. I am wondering what I could have accomplished if it were not for CH. I am wondering what could have been if this episode had not racked my life two years ago. I am wondering when my next attack will be, how strong will it be, how long will it last - and how will I deal with it.
Spending yet another day alone - I wonder what is the point to all of this. In six days I will be thirty - and I have accomplished none of the goals I have set for myself. I have failed myself.

I am sorry for going on like this, but if I don't let it out - I will explode. I am sure there are some that will take great comfort in my sorrow, and will relish at my downfalls. Whatever makes them happy, I guess.

"Why do we have to wonder why
Us and them and you and I
sunk into the ground
reaching for the sky"

Carl D

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