Posted by jstone (24.167.194.209) on December 30, 2000 at 03:58:59:
You are so kind for your words of encouragement. I wouldn't have written this if I didn't feel like I was really on the "edge". I've been standing over it looking down for quite sometime now. Guess it helps I'm terrified of heights. I'm just reaching out to anyone, anything I can. This torture won't stop. I know that each year it gets worse and it's taking the life out of me little by little. I just survive now. I think it's common for people that have to go through this to think about the only way to stop the pain. There's just so much I want to do with my life that i'm robbed of because of these. I tell myself that just the gift of being alive should be enough. It's kind words like you've given me that help. My grandfather had them also and he turned into a very unhappy and vindictive man. He ended up hurting alot of people around him. I used to be a kind person and now I see myself just angry and resentful all the time. I don't want to turn into what he became. I'm afraid. I push myself away from the people that care about me because I don't want to hurt them with my pain. I don't want to sound like I feel sorry for myself. I know that there are people suffering with worse. I just don't know where else to turn. I'm afraid to fall alseep. When I wake up I know that they'll be there. I feel like my mind is starting to slip away sometimes. Finding the courage is so hard when you know this will probably be with you for the rest of my life. I want to find love but sharing this pain with someone else seems too selfish. I realize life wasn't meant to be easy, but this is fucking ridiculous. Lord give me the strength. Thank you all for your kind words. I'm just at the bottom. I need to find my reserves somewhere. I stopped coming to this site a long time ago because it reminded me of what I have to live with. But in the end, you people are the only ones that can comprehend. I've been writing to researchers that deal with chronobiology,"the study of the biological clock" but have heard nothing. I've written to insurance companies and once again nothing. I even appeared on television in Denver to try and spread the word and heard nothing from anyone. It seems we are alone in this and that is what is so difficult. Thank you again everyone. Tomorrow is another day. I'll keep trying. I promise. I'm just so tired. I know you know how I feel.