Posted by August (184.108.40.206) on August 29, 2001 at 06:00:39:
I've been catching up on the board and reading things that are on my mind. I read from Elaine her thoughts on suicide. It takes courage to share your thoughts like that. That took courage. I think what i'm about to post takes knowing it doesn't matter anymore. So why not lay it all out.
I read from Ree about the other side and thinking it's selfish. I tried to push that out of my thoughts and rationalize it. I'ts wrong....it's just wrong.
I don't bring this up to start anything or because of anything personal with Ree. I think she's a good person. I think this belief is wrong when it comes to the context of CH. It may be that i'm very wrong. I don't bring this up for any reason...but maybe you won't see it as just words...maybe you'll listen and open your heart to those people who come to ask for help. So many people do open their hearts here. It only takes the wrong words at the wrong time to push someone over the edge.
Let's change the context from cluster headaches and say a man was prisoned in house. Every, say three hours he was systmatically tortured and suffered excruciating pain. They'd drive a knife straight through his eye and keep twisting it and shoving it down for an hour or so. He knows it coming...because it's the same every day, and every night for the last 6 years. Never a fucking break. Every once in a while he hears his family tapping on the windows or peaking through the door at him saying "Hey, hang on, we're there for you....we care." Then they whisper off in the corner how it fucks up their lives. Guilt starts to build, and build until the distinction between this happening to him is replaced with he's the one responsible, and he's responsible for what it does to others. He starts forgetting periods of his life because they're blocked out from pain. He loses sleep because what's the point....once he goes to sleep the torture begins. After years of this he looks around and he sees all the pain he's caused the ones he loves. He sees no end to his pain. Hope is a joke....hope is a catch phrase. When he reaches out and says " i'm thinking about ending it because i can't take anymore" he reaches out....and he's told "Quit being selfish, think of your family, think of others. Think of those you leave behind. Was he being selfish or was he reaching out? When he takes out his gun, closes his eyes, totally convinced he's the problem and he's the cause of other's pain....and all he sees is years ahead of him, fucking years ahead of him of the same torture.....
He's being selfish?
Maybe i'm wrong, and i can't think clearly anymore. I dont' see that as selfish. I see that as someone who can't take anymore. They can't take anymore physically, emotionally or mentally. Yes, CH is an invisible pain....but it's torture, being tortured every day for years. Being sucked into a vortex of some storm you can't see out of. Maybe you can't see the scars inside a person's heart...but they're there. They come when someone tells you to be strong and looks at you like your pathetic as your crying and trying not to scream. When you hear people talk about you like your weak and not there. When the people you love and trust....it's all an illlusion. You stop believing, and you stop hoping. You don't see anything anymore but the answer in a 3 second pause as you reach for the trigger.
I"m tired....sorry if this upset anyone. I'm so tired ...
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